


Nano-types

by WerewulfTherewulf



Category: Britchell - Fandom, Mitchers - Fandom, The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Blood, Food Poisoning, How to Train Your Dragon AU, Iron Chef!, Lots of bad language, M/M, Modern AU, Mutant Powers, Past Torture, Recreational Drug Use, Vigilante Justice!, Viking! Anders, and horrible ideas, baby crocodilios, clumsy Mitchell, dragon! Mitchell, giant gift boxes, lucky Mitchell!, pirates!, skinchangers, tiny!Fili, tiny!Kili, werewolves!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-06-01 23:12:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 30,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6540454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf/pseuds/WerewulfTherewulf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SpringFRE Fills and Other:</p><p>Ch 1 - 14: 'This probably isn't at all what the person who prompted this was thinking of when they thought of it, but...' applies to every single one of these fills. Proceed with caution, it's a damn wild ride and not for the faint of heart!</p><p>and</p><p>Ch 13, 15 - : Incomplete mind dumps! Prompts always welcome :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fili/Kili, Vigilante Justice/Iron Chef

Kili wiped the sweat from his brow as he walked out of the studio, kicking the door shut behind him. He didn’t hear the distinct sound of it slamming closed, though. Instead, he heard a loud knock and a grunt of pain. He spun around on the balls of his feet, horrified.

“Oh hell. Sorry man, didn’t see you behind me!”

The door had hit Kili’s on-screen rival, Chef Fili. He was the Iron chef that Kili had accidentally chosen to compete against on the show of the same name. He had absolutely no intention of picking the gorgeous blond chef, but right when Kili was asked who he wanted, Fili had walked into the room.

 _“Chef Fili!”_ Kili had gasped his name, awestruck by the man’s beauty and presence.

 _“Chef Fili it is!”_ The producer repeated, scribbling things down in the contract.

_“What?! No that’s– hnnnng, fuck.”_

“Are you okay?” Kili asked Fili, who was holding his nose in pain.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine… lucky my nose is so big or else I’d be getting a full face of bruises. Definitely makes for a great door stop,” he joked. Kili laughed with him weakly.

“Glad you don’t hate me for it…”

“For this? It was an accident! Hey, though. Good job today, kid. It’s really stressful in there but you did great.” Fili smiled and patted Kili on the shoulder.

“Thanks!” Kili grinned.

“Don’t relax yet. Today was just practice. The real deal will be much, much worse.”

Kili sighed loudly, but nodded. “Yeah… But don’t think just ‘cause I’m what they call a ‘rookie’ means I’ll be losing. Get ready to have your ass handed to you in two days, blondie!” He shouted, poking Fili in the chest.

Fili snorted, but smiled. “Get out of here, kid. Make sure to get your rest, you’ll need it!”

Kili stuck out his tongue after the blond, but turned and walked down the street into the night. Unfortunately for Kili, he did not have his own personalized parking space in the Iron Chef parking lot. Therefor he had quite the trek ahead of him to reach his old beaten up jalopy.

Not ten minutes into his walk, he heard shouting and a scuffle. Kili perked up when he heard a distressed woman plead to be let go.

 _Don’t be a vigilante, Kili, that’s stupid!_ They said, _don’t be stupid and wear your dumb outfit underneath all your clothes!_ They pleaded. Yeah well he sure showed them, over and over again! As a civilian, Kili was expert amateur chef Kili. But unbeknownst to everyone, Kili was… _Komrade Kielbasa_! Vigilante extraordinaire!

Kili ripped off his shirt and threw it away from him, revealing the top half of his super suit. It was a dark teal nylon muscle shirt with a bright gold K sewn sloppily onto the chest. 

“Y’all better get your asses ready, for I am he who brings the justice.” Kili said aloud to no one, clenching his fist in the air.

He did a quick stretch for his legs, then sprinted towards the woman’s distressed cries. He reached an alleyway– typical, and lept into a power stance. He held up his hands towards the attackers.

“Halt, heathens!” He boomed.

Much to his surprise, they did. A myriad of emotions ran through the muggers as they stared at Kili. All of them landed on the same thing it always did: greatly amused.

“What the hell are you!” One shouted.

“Get out of here, pleb!” Another scoffed.

“This is your final warning! Let that woman go!” Kili shouted back at them.

Almost predictably, none of the three men listened. They went right back to harassing the drunk woman. Kili stomped towards them, hands on his hips.

“Don’t make me open a can of whoop– yip!” Kili was grabbed and thrown against a brick wall, a knife was quickly pressed to his throat.

“Mind your own business, you little shit!” The halitosis-ridden man hissed into Kili’s ear. The distressed drunken woman let out a battle cry and kneed her captor in the groin. As he fell over onto the ground she fled.

Not much else was said or done to Kili, for right at that moment there was a _swish_ and a _tink_! Right next to his ear, causing his heart rate to shoot through the roof. He side-eyed the subtly swaying knife that was embedded into the brick wall next to his jugular.

“Let him go.” A deep voice rang out. When none of the brutes made a move, another knife whizzed through the air and embedded itself into the brick wall, this time having to go through Kili’s captor’s hand to get there.

He howled out in pain and ripped it out, stumbling away to nurse the appendage. He and his cronies fled the way of their first victim. Kili slid down onto the ground and took a moment to catch his breath. He looked towards the entrance of the alleyway in hopes of seeing his savior. No such luck, the man was gone. But the knives were still there.

Kili reached over to the bloody one laying on the ground and picked it up. It was a professional chef’s knife, brand name.

It was Saturday, two days later, the day of the competition. It was the real deal. Kili was bent over one of his work stations, frantically grating a truffle over his custard and bacon coated pork and goat loin, dyed black by squid’s ink. Behind him his sous chef made small cinnamon banana Irish oatmeal balls, drizzled with a grass puree.

Across the room was Fili, who was also adding the finishing touches to his main dish. Several drops of virgin tears (part of the secret ingredient; blood, sweat, and tears) were mixed into the handmade shrimp sriracha sauce colored red by frog’s blood, along with a handful of cat hair for added protein.

It had so far been a trying day for both teams. Poor Kili had issues with opening a can of tomatoes. The can opener jammed (not even his own tears of anguish and overexertion lubricated it), so he ended up hacking it open with a meat cleaver. As he went to place the can out of the way, it slipped from his fingers and plopped right into his trash. There was a surplus of tears that day.

Fili on the other hand had major issues with his crabs. They had such claw strength that they would widen them enough to snap the thick rubber bands keeping them clamped shut. For six long minutes, rubber projectiles shot throughout the studio, smacking anyone who was foolish enough to get in their way.

By the time hour to cook was up and they had reached the stage for judgement, Kili was clinging to his final strands of consciousness. Fili looked as if he had just stepped out of a spa– one of those sketchy ‘full service’ spas, though, because his hair was quite disheveled. Kili remembers nothing that the judges said to him. He just nodded and thanked them and stumbled away to collapse into a chair behind the scenes.

Thirty minutes later, the contestants were summoned back on stage for the announcement.

“Today… our winner is… _**CHEF KILI!!!**_ ”

There was confetti, and music, and a deafening amount of cheering. Kili hit the ground, unconscious.

 

**Four months later**

 

Kili’s eyes shone with joy and anticipation as he watched the waiter arrive with his table’s food. As the plates were placed down in front of them, the chef in him couldn’t help but scan his dish for any flaw, large or small. There were none that he could immediately see, and Kili was impressed. The first bite of his lobster thermidor had him moaning lasciviously, it was too good for words. Kili had been starving and awaiting this meal all day– all year, he had made these reservations for him and his friends many months ago. It was well worth the wait.

“ _Ohhh_ man… _so good_.” He sighed. Next to him his best friend Tauriel made a similar noise.

“This is unbelievable… I can’t believe you got us into the most popular restaurant in the country. Oh man Kili we all really owe you for this one!”

Kili assured her that they didn’t owe him anything and insisted they enjoy themselves to the fullest. The night continued on with more pleasant banter between the group. Eventually, the waiter returned with the check and a handmade fortune cookie for each of them. Kili ripped his open and tossed his fortune away– but he caught the glimpse of one word that stuck out oddly to him and made his heart jump, ‘danger’.

He quickly reached out and grabbed it before it could disappear onto the floor.

“You are in danger. Say nothing and leave immediately. I will find you and explain everything.”

Kili looked up sharply at his friends, checking to see if they got any weird messages also. They were sharing their fortunes with each other, giggling and making up exaggerated scenarios that might fit them.

Kili jumped to his feet and grabbed the bill, mumbling something about going to pay it. He hurried to the front and did just that before quickly slipping out the front entrance and disappearing into the shadows. The fortune was vague and didn’t give him any clue as to where to go… but he was drawn to the back of the restaurant, so he headed there.

Almost immediately he was hugging himself, trying to warm himself up. He had forgotten his coat inside, like an idiot, and the temperature outside had already dropped drastically since the sun had gone down, and standing in the shadows only made it worse. He waited for fifteen long minutes before something happened: the back door to the kitchen opened, and out stepped the head chef.

It was Fili! Kili would recognize that stern all-business air anywhere. Kili took a step forward to call out but stopped himself. He and Fili were rivals almost too recently on Iron Chef. Kili thought they had gotten along well enough… but Kili had beaten him on national TV, so maybe he was upset and wanted revenge. Fili stuck a well-earned cigarette into his mouth and went to light it. Kili watched him try and fail six times before he stepped in.

“Need a light?”

Fili startled. “Kili! What are you doing back here?” He asked, letting Kili light his smoke.

“Someone sent me a threatening fortune cookie…” Kili explained.

“What? I–” Fili scoffed and rolled his eyes, flicked the butt of his cigarette and brought it back up to take another drag. “It must’ve been my sous chef. I told him to find a way to get you alone so I can talk to you. What an idiot.” He sighed.

“Oh,” Kili smiled. “Yeah that was bit of an odd way to do it. What do you want to talk about? Why? How did you even know I was in tonight?” He asked.

“Someone made a smartass comment about you showing up tonight. Something about rubbing your win in my face. And I saw you, too, for just a second… with your friends and girlfriend?”

“Nah, she’s just been my best friend for as long as I can remember. We’ve always stood by one another.” Kili shook his head.

“Ah yeah, I remember seeing her in the crowd when we were competing. It’s nice you have someone there for you like that,” Fili smiled. Kili nodded and matched his smile.

“Sorry, what did you want to see me about? I sort of ditched my mates inside and I sh–”

Fili hooked his finger beneath Kili’s chin and brought him in for a kiss. He pulled away and cleared his throat awkwardly, taking a step back and a drag of his cigarette.

“Oh.” Kili stood limp, feeling numb. A stupid grin slid onto his face. “You taste like cigarettes and lobster. You made my dish?”

Fili blushed. “It was a special dish, I didn’t want anything going wrong. How was it?”

Kili laughed loudly. “You know damn well it was… _phenomenal_. There was just one thing missing.”

“What are you talking about?” Fili looked taken aback and quickly leaped into agitation.

“Your dick. Is there any time later tonight I could get a taste of that?” Kili smirked. Fili choked on a breath of smoke and dropped his cigarette.

“Uh… yeah, I think that’s something I could make room for in my schedule.”

A shrill scream sliced through the air. Both chefs stilled for just a nanosecond before their hands launched to their shirts. Kili’s was halfway across the parking lot immediately and the buttons on Fili’s chefs jacket were launched in every direction as he ripped it off. Kili did a double take at the olive nylon shirt Fili wore with the white F emblem.

“You–!” He shouted. “You’re a vigilante of justice too?! I had suspected that night from the Master Chef knives, but… which, by the way, I have a question about that. You left those knives at the scene of the crime. You just abandoned them there! Those are expensive!”

“Oh! Well, they were kind of old, and they were the first ones I grabbed since out of all of them they’re easiest to get to…”

“‘Out of all of them? What do you mean–” Kili watched as Fili patted himself down and pulled out three… no, seven… no, fifteen different knives from hidden spots all over his body, and explained that they were all older knives anyway so it wasn’t really that big of a deal to abandon them.

Fili nodded at Kili when he finished. “I am. _El Feroz Buñuelo_ , at your service.” He began the long, tedious task of replacing all his knives.

“ _Komrade Kielbasa_ , at yours and your family’s.” Kili responded, unable to break his gaze away from the pile of knives on the ground. “Care to join me in saving the night, partner?”

“Absolutely.”


	2. Fili/Kili, Werewolf!Fili Part1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Werewolf!Fili!

Ser Balin met them at the gate. “It is good to see you return, my Lord.” he said, bowing in Thorin’s presence.

“The hunt went well. We annihilated the trouble at Sandson’s Farm; werewolves. We got rid of all except…” Thorin turned on his pony and looked pointedly at a yelping, writhing sack tied to an extra pony. Werewolf pups.

“A delicacy! How many?” Balin exclaimed, excited. Werewolf meat was naturally tough and bitter, fairly inedible. It was also seen as taboo. Wolves they may be, but they were also men, somewhat. The children of the fell beasts were considered sacred, they were the food of the Gods. Few in number, it was seen as a good omen when one was caught to be feasted on, with hopes of good fortune on the horizon.

Thorin hopped off Minty and strutted over to Tulip, the cargo pony. Dwalin met him there and had already untied the wildly fighting burlap sack, reaching in and handing the contents. It was a single large pale-gold pup, howling and snarling and yipping frantically. Thorin grabbed him roughly by the scruff of his neck and held him up for all to see.

“Just the one. I am certain he is a prince, gaze upon these odd markings set upon the back of his ear. As much of a prince as those wretches could have.” Thorin scoffed. He shook the pup roughly, who howled out in return. 

Thorin turned to face the patrol that had accompanied him that day and had played a large part in mowing down the clan of werewolves.

“My friends, tonight you shall dine with us. Without you we would not have this. From the beginning I was already certain… but now with this whelp, it is surely fact. After six longs years, we will win this blasted war!” He shouted. All those around him roared in glee before dispersing and heading to the bar to celebrate.

Later that afternoon, the hostage wolf pup was stuck in a cramped iron cage in the corner of the kitchen. The cage was stuck beneath several sacks of flour and kept in the corner, out of the way while the cooks frantically got ready for the evening feast. It was there that a tiny hand reached up onto one of the dirty preparing counters, and smacked around in hopes of finding a treat.

Little Kili cheered quietly when he snatched something squishy in his hand and found a jelly pastry when he pulled it back. His joy didn’t last for long.

“Prince Kili! You rascal! Get out of the kitchen before you get hurt! Git! Git!!” Chef Dina viciously flapped a filthy towel at him as he cackled and ran away. He stopped by the far corner so he could snack on his treat. Rubbing his sticky face on his sleeves, Kili was startled when he noticed in front of him two large blue eyes, looking straight at him. It was the cage with the captured wolf pup.

“Oh! Hello puppy! What are you doing in the kitchen? It’s dane-riss in here!” He came up close to the bars and reached his tiny arm through so he could try and pet the beast. 

“KILI!”

The little prince startled ferociously, but stood his ground. Looking over his shoulder he saw his big scary uncle Thorin.

“Kili! Get away from that beast, now!” Thorin shouted. Kili gasped from both the sheer volume of his king uncle and the sudden wet feeling on his fingers. He looked back to the pup, who was lapping at his jellied fingers.

“Uncle he’s not herding me he’s lickting me!” Kili giggled, “And it’s funny!”

Thorin stomped over and picked Kili up by his arms, bringing him to his chest and walking away from the corner. Kili’s heart ached when he heard a sad whine come from the cage.

“Uncle…” Kili moaned, reaching out for the pup.

“Kili, no. That beast is not to play with. Tonight it is our dinner.”

“W-what?? Dinner?!” Kili yelped. Immediately there were tears streaming down his cheeks. “NO! We can’t eat the puppy!! He’s a puppy!” He sobbed. He beat on Thorin’s chest with all his might, ugly groans flying forth from his chest.

Thorin blanched. An upset little Prince Kili was not something he knew how to deal with. This sort of situation was much better handled by his younger brother, Frerin. Mahal forbid  _ Dis  _ were to find out her little princeling was in such a state at all. And that Thorin was the cause of such distress? Thorin was doomed.

“Kili, Kili! Shh… please, hush, little one. Calm down…”

“Nnnno!!” Kili screeched, still beating on his uncle. “Yore gonna hurt Puppy!” He sobbed.

“Kili, please! You’ve had wolf pup before, and you loved it!” Thorin tried to reason. “It was when your Uncle Frerin was sick, remember? He was sick, and we found the wolf pup and feasted upon it and within the month Frerin got better.”

Kili absolutely did remember, it was the best meal he had ever had. That just made him cry harder. In desperation, Thorin placed the prince on the ground and crouched down with him to hug him tight.

“Someone get him a sweet!” He yelled out frantically.

“Trying to win my grandson’s favor by giving him snacks, are we?”

Thorin looked up. His mother stood before him, a disapproving frown etched on her face. She walked over and nudged her son out of the way before picking Kili up herself. Kili latched onto her dress and sobbed into her chest.

“Nana Uncle’s maken us eat Puppy!” He wept. Tali cradled and rocked him all while glaring at Thorin.

“Werewolf pup! It was the pack terrorizing the nearby farms!” Thorin sputtered in his defense. “We need this meal if we wish to win this war!” He hissed.

Tali laughed loudly. “This  _ war? _ This is barely a war. It’s corsairs that intercept trade routes. They’re like insects. Just stomp on them! It’s fine. You do not need to sacrifice an innocent child for  _ superstition _ … there will be no werewolf pup eaten this night, nor any night from hereon!” She demanded.

“What! I promised ten men that tonight they would--”

“Feed them silk chicken. They won’t know the difference!”

“Yeah!” Kili sniffled.

“Kili, what do you think should be done with the puppy?” Tali asked.

“My puppy!” He replied, rubbing his eyes. “He’s my puppers!”

Thorin shook his head and crossed his arms. “No. Absolutely not. That beast is  _ dangerous  _ and could gravely hurt Kili. It would be a mercy to just put the beast out of its misery now. I will not have that thing roaming the halls of Erebor like a  _ pet-- _ ”

  
  


**_Many, many years later_ **

 

Kili marched down the corridors towards his lover’s chambers. He pounded a fist on the thick wooden door thrice, but didn’t wait for a reply. He shoved his way into the room and kicked it shut behind him.

“I hate it that he does this! I hate him for this! Again!!” He roared, kicking the leg on the majestic bedpost near him.

“Hey. Don’t break my bed,  _ again.”  _ Prince Fili said, walking into the room from his dressing quarters. His thick golden mane was pulled back into neat braids marking him as part of the line of Durin, and as one of the King’s best warriors. All the clips and beads keeping his braids in place marked him as belonging to the crown prince. From the day he had been brought to Erebor, he had belonged to Prince Kili. What had begun as a rock solid companionship had evolved over time into an unbreakable bond of love. 

Over the years, Fili had won over Thorin’s favor and proven himself to be a fierce, mighty warrior. Especially in his wolf form. Kili loathed this. For every dangerous scouting party, for every treacherous raid, Fili was sent along to be used as their power weapon. Now there was a war on-- a real, serious war between the free peoples and the corsairs from West Gondor, and Thorin was using Fili like an expendable weapon, again. He was being put on the front lines to mow down as many foes as possible. When Kili was a child, the corsairs were barely an issue. But now...

Fili pulled Kili into his arms.

“I hate that he uses you like this…” Kili mumbled into his neck.

“My love… you and I both know this is what I do best. I am made to be a killing machine.” Fili smiled sadly. Kili wanted to argue it, but he knew it was true.

“I just want you to come back to me safely.” He said instead. He pulled out of Fili’s hold just slightly and raised a hand to his love’s face, tracing a scar on his cheek. “It wounds my heart to see you come back injured.”

“And you think it is not the same for myself? I wish the same of you. Though you will be up on the ramparts with your bow, it is just as dangerous. Don’t be reckless, my love.”  He kissed Kili then, passionately. They made love for the rest of the night.

At the crack of dawn, Kili was woken to Fili grunting in pain. He was trying to muffle himself by hiding his face in his elbow, but Kili was always astute to Fili’s pain. It was the herbs that were causing this; Fili always had to ingest them in order to send him into his full werewolf form any time other than his time of the month. It was always a painful process.

“My love.” Kili rasped. He drowsily reached out for the blond. Fili stood from the bed and waved Kili away, rushing to the other side of the room. He always hated Kili seeing him turn and now that he had accidentally woken Kili up, Fili was going to grab his pack and go.

Kili’s arm flopped back down onto the bed.

“Fine.” he grunted. “Leave without me. But don’t you dare disappear onto the battlefield without giving me a proper goodbye.”

A beastly growl tore its way from Fili’s throat. He slowly came back over to the bed, and leaned over so he could place a kiss on Kili’s temple.

“I am leave-ing now. Big. Important. Mission I have. To go. Now.” Fili grunted through his pain. “I will. See you again. Love.”

Though he laid there with his eyes shut, Kili was wide awake now with worry. What sort of horrible secret mission was his uncle sending Fili on? Fili knew what he was doing, surely. He’d just have to trust him.

Four months later, the boys were finally well enough to get back up on their feet. Both injured gravely in the brutal war, it was close calls for them both. But nothing on their plane of existence could have kept them from getting wed on a bright summer day.


	3. Fili/Kili, Werewolf!Fili Part2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small, second part to the previous werewolf au. Ask and ye shall receive :)

“Fili, fetch!”

 

 

 

Fili froze. He slowly stood straight from where he had been bent over his workspace, heavily fixated into his craftwork. Staring off into space, Fili put all his focus on listening.

“Fili! You wanna go work out?”

Kili’s scent punched Fili in the face and he looked up sharply at the prince, who was standing in the doorway to the workshop.

“Fetch?” he asked, trying not to sound too hopeful. Kili laughed, then pulled out a simple leather ball from behind his back.

“You heard me. Shirt off, lover boy,” Kili winked. Fili rolled his eyes.

“Oh I see how it is. That’s your exercise, is it? Work out those eye muscles by staring hard at my chest.” he smiled.

Kili’s response was to sharply raise the hand holding the ball up. Fili jolted sharply, gaze honed in on it. Kili laughed again, stepped away from the doorway and blindly launched the ball out through it. It hit Prince Frerin dead on in the face with a loud _smack._

His flabbers ghasted, Frerin sputtered and rubbed at his face. “What the hell, princeling?” he asked. “I just wanted to come check on you, but I see that I’m not wanted here.” he feigned hurt feelings, turned and left, pretending not to hear Kili’s horrified apologies.

Embarrassed, Kiili quietly picked the ball up from the ground and led Fili out to the mostly empty courtyard. There, they played an intense game of fetch, Fili’s favorite game. It started off easy, the ball being thrown only across the courtyard.

But then, Kili threw the ball on top of a short building. Kili had to readjust his pants while he watched Fili scale up various objects to get on top of the shop, the well-defined muscles in his torso undulating as he did so.

Fili hop-hop-hopped from roof to crates to the ground and walked back over to Kili. He picked up Kili’s hand and place the ball in it, not taking his eyes away for a second. Kili laughed, and found it hard to resist kissing Fili. He could practically see Fili with his tail whipping wildly through the air in his joy.

Fili pulled away and tugged at Kili’s hand. “Okay throw it again now.” he demanded.

Kili rolled his eyes, but complied. He threw it as hard as he could towards a far away wall, and Fili was off like a shot. What Fili somehow didn’t expect though was when the ball hit the wall and bounced sharply off in another direction. He jerked to a stop and tried to follow it, but got tangled up in his own feet and tripped to the ground. Kili had his hands on his knees while he laughed and while Fili got back up on his feet. He dusted himself off and ran after the ball, which was rolling to a stop a bit away. Fili grabbed it and put it in Kili’s hand.

“Again please.” he panted. Kili couldn’t take his eyes away from Fili’s chest. Beads of sweat were trailing down his defined muscles as he tried to catch his breath. His cheeks were reddened, and his hair and beard braids were disheveled.

“Actually…” Kili started, unconsciously biting his lip as he watched Fili stretch his back. “I kind of had an idea of another game we could play. I think you’ll like it a lot more than this.” he told him. Fili tipped his head to the side like the curious puppy he was.

“But Fetch is my favorite!” he reminded Kili with wide, naive eyes. Kili smirked, and flippantly tossed the ball behind him.

“Trust me, Fili, you’ll--” Kili had to stop himself and wait while Fili instinctively hurried after the ball, which was rolling away at a slow pace.

“Ah shit.” he mumbled right as he accidentally kicked it further away from himself. He eventually returned the ball to Kili’s hand.

“Fili, we'll still be playing fetch! I'll have you go fetch the lube, for example! And, you'll still be playing with balls, too! Mine, preferably.” Kili grabbed Fili’s hand and started dragging him away back to the mountain.

 “Oh. _Oh._ Yeah, yeah you’re right, this game already sounds a lot better, Let's go.”


	4. Fili/Kili, Your Crocodiles Are In My Pool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 157) Your crocodile is in my pool

It was Kili’s first day off since last Wednesday, so naturally he was making the most of it. It was two in the afternoon, and he had just woken up. He took off his pajama pants and replaced them with his swimming trunks. He was too lazy to take off his socks, even when he accidentally stepped in a puddle of water. Instead, he forwent shaving, put on his favorite pair of sunglasses, and made himself a bananarama bonanza smoothie with plenty of vodka. He didn’t bother with a glass, instead drinking it straight from the blender. Today was going to be a  _ good day _ , dammit, come hell or high water.

Kili shuffled out to his pool and kicked his cheap plastic lounge chair nearby, dropping his things down onto it; a ratty old beach towel, a small baggie of weed and his pipe, and his ancient boombox that was absolutely still alive and kicking. He plugged it in and pressed play, hoping he wouldn’t have to go back inside to fetch a CD. The Red Hot Chili Peppers began playing, and Kili was more than okay with that.

Within the next few minutes Kili pulled out a floaty raft and tossed it into the pristine, blue salt water (Kili shelled out a lot for that, but it was worth it). He packed a bowl and grabbed his lighter and his phone. Then he stood by the side of the pool and played the agonizing waiting game until the raft  _ finally _ floated close enough for him to carefully plop onto it.

Kili allowed himself to float away, the gentle rocking of the waves and his mellow high calmly lulling him into a doze.

When Kili woke up, he became instantly aware that he had forgotten to put on sunblock. His CD had ended, and the sun was still as high in the sky as he was. Sitting up on his elbows lead Kili to find an interesting sight: there was a large trash bag sitting right by his fence. It definitely didn’t belong to him,it definitely wasn’t there when he passed out, and it was  _ definitely  _ moving. Kili couldn’t take his eyes off it, trying to figure out what the hell he was looking at.

And then his neighbor was leaping over the wall. His neighbor was Fili the stoner, and he had moved in next door to Kili two years ago after he had earned the property in the will of his parents, who had died in a dramatic accident.

Fili grew and sold his own weed, which Kili got at a discount probably because they occasionally slept together. Other than sometimes banging, they weren’t very close, even if Fili sometimes hinted that they wish they were.

Now, Kili watched as Fili frantically grabbed the trash bag and sprinted over to the side of the pool. He yanked open the bag, and one by one, pulled out baby crocodiles. He smooched each one on top of their head before gently dumping them into the pool. He didn’t acknowledge Kili the entire time. As he plopped the last one into the pool, he jumped up and sprinted to the other end of Kili’s backyard, yelling “I’ll be back for you!” as he scaled the wall and disappeared.

Kili had to take a moment to gather his thoughts and think about what he had just witnessed. Then, he slowly peered over into the water. There were about ten baby crocodiles floating around his pool. Kili was content to lay back, stay as still as possible, and let himself float over to the edge of the pool so he could climb out and scramble back inside. 

His plan had been going swimmingly, but then a tiny little reptile head popped up directly next to Kili and his heart rate skyrocketed. He dipped his fingers into the pool and used them to try and help him float away faster. But when one snuck up on him and nipped on his fingers, Kili flipped off the raft and into the water. His time getting out of the pool could’ve qualified him for the olympics.

Two hours later, Kili was bundled up in towels on his couch drinking beer and watching Netflix when his phone vibrated on the coffee table. It was a text from Fili.

 

**Neighbor Fili:** **  
****_7:37 PM_ ** **  
**_ ‘hey its me ur neighbor’ _ __  
**  
****_7:38 PM_ ** **  
** __ ‘i kno its kinda short notice but can i couch surf at ur place for a while i cant go home for a while sumthing came up’

 

**Me:** **  
****_7:40 PM_ ** **_  
_ ** _ ‘Your crocodiles are in my pool.’ _

 

**Neighbor Fili:** **  
****_7:42 PM_ ** **_  
_ ** _ ‘yea sry bout that sum1 called the pigs on me again had 2 hide them’ _

**_7:43 PM_ ** ****_  
_ _ ‘can i cum over 2nite? ill bring beer?’ _ _  
_ _ ‘i got sum cool shit at the farmers market 2 ill bring them with’ _

 

**Me:** **  
****_7:45 PM_ ** **_  
_ ** _ ‘fine. they just put the new season of always sunny on netflix anyway so we can watch that i guess’ _

 

**Neighbor Fili:** **  
****_8:03 PM_ ** **_  
_ ** _ ‘k’ _

 

Kili looked up when his doorbell rang. Finally Fili had shown up, half an hour after his last text. Kili went to open the door. Fili stood on his doorstep looking like a harvest god; a dried plant and flower crown was sat upon his head and he was holding a large basket filled with squash, pears, apples and other goodies against his bare chest. Kili scrunched up his face. 

“Oh. Um, okay, cool.”

Fili brought the cornucopia of veggies and fruit with him to the living room, where he dug around in it until he brought out a few cans of beer.

“As promised,” he smiled, placing them on the coffee table. He caught a glimpse of Kili’s baggie of weed there and made an odd face. “Hey I don’t grow this… are you seeing someone else now?” he asked sadly.

“What? No! It was a gift for a favor I did for someone, that’s all. It’s not as good as yours, promise,” Kili awkwardly pat Fili on the back then turned to put on Netflix. “So… the cops?”

“Oh. It was the other neighbors on my side, they don’t like it that I live in that place by myself and have lots of people come visit me all day and night. I guess they saw my pets and tried to get me locked up or something, I don’t know.”

_ Gee, I wonder why.  _ Kili thought. “Where did you get your crocodiles?”

“I found them.” Fili answered simply. He held his hand out to Kili. “Hold this?” he asked. Kili stared down at the hand for a couple of seconds before sighing and taking it. Then he looked out the glass door to his backyard and thanks to the pool lights, saw the silhouette of several baby crocodiles chilling out on his raft still floating around the water.

Kili sighed again. Yeah, Fili was weird. But Kili wouldn’t want to have him any other way.


	5. Britchell, Food Poisoning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 65) First weekend away together goes horribly wrong when we both end up with food poisoning.

Anders listened to the sound of Mitchell vomiting in the tiny bathroom of their rented cabin.

“I thought vampires couldn’t get sick.” he called out lamely. His stomach rumbled uncomfortably, travelled up through his chest, his throat and out his mouth in the form of a noxious belch. Anders’ face scrunched up in distaste as it forced him to climb down from his perch in the large windowsill and away from the area.

“Shut the hell up, Anders.” Mitchell groaned in reply from the bathroom.

Anders scoffed and threw up his middle finger at the doorway. Flushed, fever and sweaty, he stumbled dramatically back over to their well-used bed and collapsed back down into it.

_ “Let’s go on vacation, Anders, it’ll be great. I’m ready to show you where I grew up, Anders, I want to visit my hometown, Anders, it’ll be nice, you’ll love it, Anders,”  _ the blond mimicked in an over-the-top Irish accent. “First weekend away together and we both get food poisoning. Yeah, what a dream this is.” he grumbled.

Mitchell flicked off the bathroom light and stumbled out, flopping down next to Anders. He smooched Anders’ temple and threw an arm over his chest as he buried his own face in his pillow. Normally seeing Mitchell in nothing but his tiny black boy-shorts would be an instant turn on for Anders, but today he was too weary.

“Shut the hell up, Anders. How was I supposed to know Mo’s Weekly Leftover Special would make us sick? We’ll be fine.”

“As long as I still get my handy in that church you’re always going on about, anyway,” Anders retorted. His stomach made an ominous sound, and to be safe Anders decided to hurry into the bathroom. A few minutes after his puke session he reappeared and leaned against the doorframe.

“Yeah,” he panted, “you definitely owe me. There’s now way you’re getting out of sex with some stupid excuse for at least two weeks.”


	6. Britchell, Luck of the Irish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 73) Britchell: The Luck of the Irish

“Holy shit, look out!!”

Anders was outside enjoying his lunch when it happened. He was waiting at the crosswalk, picking pieces of onion out of his sandwich and therefore not really paying attention to his surroundings. Unbeknownst to Anders, a bicyclist zooming through the crowds was heading right his way, and had lost control of  _ everything. _ Impact was imminent.

Anders startled when all of a sudden John Mitchell’s sneaky arm wound its way around his shoulder.

“Fancy meeting you here,” he hummed, smooching Anders on the top of the head. He grabbed a chunk of onion from out of the blond’s fingertips and popped it into his mouth. Five feet away from them, the rogue bicyclist made a sharp turn away from them, crashing into the brick wall instead.

 

\--

 

Anders pinched the bridge of his nose. A very disgruntled client had just stomped out of his office after violently throwing her cigarette butt into the trash bin, fiercely several documents off Anders’ desk into the very same bin, and spitting in Anders’ face. Anders just sighed, grabbed some of the papers out of the trash and got back to work.

It was just as he had gotten re-focused on a very important client’s file that he began smelling the smoke. Flying to his feet in record time, he stared at the trash can in horror, because it was  _ on fire.  _ Anders began scrambling for something, anything to put it out.

Mitchell walked into the office, carrying a plastic cup full of water from the water cooler out in the lobby and a bright grin on his face. Just as he opened his mouth to greet Anders, he tripped over his own feet. Time slowed as Anders watched the cup fly through the air. The water splashed all over the trash fire, effectively extinguishing it. The blond stared at Mitchell in disbelief.

 

\--

 

Babysitting was not Anders’ idea of a good time, and was actually very, very low on his list of such things. But it was becoming very clear to Anders that both Dawn and Ty were getting quite sexually frustrated and he was sure having two raucous twin boys running and screaming around the house all day and night complicated a lot of things.

So, stepping up into his position of Best Uncle, Anders volunteered himself and Mitchell to babysit for the weekend so his dearest brother could bang his wife all the way to Asgard.

“Uncle watch this!”

“Uncle look at me!”

“Uncle what does this do?”

“Uncle watch!!”

“Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Look! Look! Look! Uncle! Uncle! Look! Uncle!”

By the middle of the first day Anders was laid out in the hammock, worn ragged. He had put Mitchell in charge of the boys while he tried to take a nap with a bottle of vodka in the meanwhile. Mitchell decided to do this by showing them the proper way to play on the tire-swing: as wildly and recklessly as possible. Then, when one of the twins climbed to the top of the tree, Mitchell showed them the fun of sightseeing when he got himself stuck up there when trying to retrieve him (not that the boy needed it, he scaled back down the tree in a split second).

Mitchell ended up having so much fun on his own that he didn’t notice when the boys disappeared from sight. Nor did he notice when they snuck back, arms full of water balloons. But their target was Uncle Mitchell. It was the vulnerable Uncle Anders, who was snoozing away in the hammock a few yards over.

They pulled back their arms. Mitchell began slowly trying to climb back down. They took careful aim. The leaves of the tree rustled loudly as Mitchell slowly inched over to a low-hanging branch. The boys launched their water balloons, wicked grins plastered on their faces. Mitchell’s foot slipped, and he fell from the tree. He hit the ground with a loud and painful sounding thud, a lot more wet than he was mere seconds ago.

The boys gasped loudly and sprinted away to hide inside the house. Both Mitchell and Anders sat up in very different dazes, trying to figure out what just happened. Anders looked over at Mitchell, took a second to figure out what happened, then pointed and laughed.

 

\--

 

“Anders, I wish you wouldn’t do this…” Dawn pleaded. “There are so many other things you two could do for your anniversary vacation!”

Anders smirked and continued getting ready.

“I’ll be fine, Dawnsie. We’ll be fine. This is his idea, anyway, so if anything happens to me it’ll be on him.” Anders told her.

“Anders, his could be potentially dangerous! I don’t want you getting hurt! Either of you! Skydiving is so scary… so much could go wrong!” Dawn told him, wringing her hands.

Anders rolled his eyes.  _ Estrogen _ .

“Trust me, we’ll be okay. I have the luck of the Irish on my side, nothing will go wrong!” he kissed her on each cheek, gave her a quick hug and then left out the door with his luggage.


	7. Fili/Kili, Wrapping Paper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 92) Wrapping paper

Fili sighed. Two weeks ago, Kili had told him that he would have to go on a business trip for his uncle, which was normal. But he wouldn’t be back for Fili’s birthday. Fili knew he shouldn’t be as upset as he was, but he couldn’t help but feel a bit disheartened. 

Not even the oddly large giftbox that Elladan and Elrohir struggled to hand deliver to him in his fourth floor apartment earlier that morning was enough to cheer him up. By the time they finally got it up all those stairs, they were covered in sweat. They dropped the shockingly heavy box on the floor, sucked down two bottles of water each and then left.

Sure, the present from Kili would be fantastic and would boost his mood a little, but it wasn’t the same without him there.

Fili maneuvered himself into the living room, where the giant box sat. It was covered in wonderfully tacky wrapping paper, bright red-orange with large blue and green striped spots. A large tag sat on top, signifying that it was for Fili and indeed from Kili, but that it wasn’t to be opened until later that evening, after Fili’s birthday dinner with Thorin, Dis and Frerin.

It was only 2:30. Fili sighed again and stood up, getting ready to go turn up the thermostat. It was getting way up in temperatures outside, and Fili felt like he was roasting in his apartment. A sudden loud thump coming from the large box startled him, and he stopped to stare at it.

He thought he could hear muffled swearing coming from it too, but it was more likely to be the television he had left on in the other room. Fili continued staring at the box just in case though. The top of the box began moving, as if something were trying to push its way out. It was wrapped too well though. When that didn’t work out, whatever was inside it began attempting to tip the box over. By this time, Fili was armed with his lacrosse stick in defense.

The box finally tipped over, but the results were underwhelming. Fili squinted, and tilted his head to the side. He was hearing  _ clawing _ now. What the hell was in there?

_ “Fili! Let me out!”  _ a muffled shout sounded out.  _ “Filiiiiiii!!!” _

The blond’s heart skipped a beat, but he relaxed. 

_ “Filiiiii! Help me out of here!!” _

Fili had to hold himself up against the wall, he was laughing so hard. Finally he collected himself and walked over to the overturned present. He pulled his pocket knife out and began cutting through the interestingly thick wrapping paper. As soon as he got through the three accessible sides, the lid fell open and Kili flopped out.

He was a sweaty, naked mess. His hair was strewn everywhere and stuck to his skin and he lay on his back, panting. Fili stared down at him smiling.

“I thought you wouldn’t be home for another few days?” he asked.

“I finished early.” was all Kili was able to say before having to return to catching his breath. “I wanted to surprise you with birthday sex after your dinner tonight,” he continued in between pants, “but it’s so hot in that box!”

“I see there aren’t any breathing holes in it either. What were you thinking?” Fili shook his head, exasperated. He helped Kili to his feet and over to his favorite chair. “I’ll get you some water. Then you’ll take a nice, cold shower, and we’ll nap. Okay?”

Kili nodded and gave Fili a thumbs up. “Yes,  _ please,” _


	8. Britchell, Garlic Assault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 62) He opened the door, and to his horror he saw…

Mitchell was nervous. Last night, words were said between him and Anders, and none of them were very pleasant. It was a typical argument for the pair; Anders had a family meeting, it didn’t go well. He came home early afternoon and immediately went to his stash of Fenrir, not bothering with any glasses. Mitchell came home from another stressful day at work and found Anders sprawled on the couch, a drunken mess.

Mitchell muttered some choice words under his breath. Anders heard him, and snapped something back. Things escalated rapidly, ending with the bedroom door being slammed shut and Mitchell sleeping on the couch after Mitchell had accidentally said a few things that may have been a bit too harsh. When Mitchell woke up, Anders had already gone to work.

 _But_ , there was still a lovingly made meatball sub sandwich waiting in the fridge for him, something for Mitchell to munch on when he took his lunch break that day. A bright pink sticky note was attached, that read ‘enjoy :)' in Anders’ messy scrawl. Mitchell smiled. This was probably Anders’ way of apologizing, and Mitchell understood that, so he grabbed it from the fridge and went on his merry way to work.

From there, Mitchell’s day went by smoothly. Blood was spilt, vomit spewed onto the walls and floors, and there was pee _everywhere_. Something about being in public and surrounded by masses of strangers made people want to pee all over themselves, but Mitchell was always right there to clean it up!

Halfway through his day he decided to throw the mop and bucket across the room and join his comrades in eating lunch, looking forward to the delicious sandwich made by his beloved. Mitchell opened his mouth wide and chomped down on it. He froze instantly as he was assaulted by several strong flavors. Unconsciously, Mitchell let the large chunk of sandwich fall out of his mouth and onto the cafeteria table, causing all his friends to immediately stop talking. They stared at Mitchell in confusion and disgust.

Mitchell paid them no attention. Instead he slowly pulled apart the sandwich to see what the hell he had just put in his mouth. The French bread itself was slathered in garlic spread, both halves. The meatballs smelled and tasted potently of garlic and were slathered in a horrible mixture of ketchup, barbecue and Tabasco sauce.

So Anders was still upset. No problem. Mitchell would just go home and apologize to him face to face and then they’d laugh about the sandwich together. But when he got home that evening, Anders still wasn’t home. There was just a serious note dictating that he’d had an important business dinner with clients that night and wouldn’t be home until tomorrow, and that Mitchell’s own dinner was waiting for him in the fridge.

Mitchell’s heart dropped. He now knew that the blond was more hurt than he was angry over what Mitchell had yelled at him, even though those were both the same thing when it came to Anders. But right now, Mitchell’s empty stomach outweighed his fear for what Anders had cooked up for him tonight. He walked over to the fridge and grabbed the handle, but hesitated.

After counting to three, he yanked open the door, and to his horror he was met with garlic. So much garlic.There was more garlic bread, fettucine that was one part pasta and three parts garlic butter sauce, parmesan and garlic crusted chicken (Mitchell wasn’t sure at just a glance, but from what he could see the actual bread-crust was completely garlic), and the absolute worst thing Mitchell had ever laid his eyes upon: garlic broccoli. Damn him! Anders knew how much Mitchell detested those tiny green trees!

Thoroughly miserable, Mitchell whipped out his phone and punched in Ander’s number, only to be met with an unpleasant voicemail.

_“Anders Johnson JPR, sorry I’m not able to come to the phone right now, I’m temporarily unavailable. Unless you’re John Mitchell, then I’m permanently unavailable until further notice. Try again later. Unless you’re John Mitchell.”_

Mitchell sighed then stared in anguish at the full plate of chilled garlic in front of him.

Three hours later, the front door opened. Anders walked in, carrying a bag of takeout. He placed it on the kitchen counter just as he saw the empty plate from what he left Mitchell. He sighed and rolled his eyes, placing the filthy dish in the sink.

“You actually ate that mess? I brought you takeout, Drac.” he said, walking over to the couch. He plopped down next to Mitchell, who was curled up there, hugging one of the pillow to his chest and dressed up in his jammies as he watched The Real Hustle. He grumbled something in response to Anders.

“What, it wasn’t that bad, was it?” Anders scoffed. “I thought you told me garlic doesn’t actually affect vampires.”

“It doesn’t, but that much garlic would be enough to make anyone sick…” Mitchell moaned, hiding his face in the pillow. Anders sighed and placed his hand in Mitchell’s hair, carding his fingers through it. Mitchell hummed in pleasure.

“How was your dinner? Did you get the contract?”

“No. There was no client. I was just at Ty’s. Dawn made us some cookies by the way, they’re in a baggie in with the rest of the takeout.”

Mitchell sat up and looked at Anders for the first time in over a day. He looked sticky and was covered in glitter and stickers.

“You saw the twins?” he asked sadly. “Now I’m more upset you _didn’t_ go to some business dinner, you know how much I love visiting the kids.” he whined. Anders snorted.

“Yeah they were bitching about you not being there too.” Anders explained while Mitchell got up and shuffled over to the kitchen to scope out the goodies Anders brought him. “They wanted to know where their Uncle Mozzie was.”

“You brought me bread sticks and garlic sauce? What the hell, Ands!” Mitchell gagged, throwing away the container of sauce. He opted to nibble on a cookie instead.

“I never said I forgave you for anything.” Anders retorted, flipping through channels on the television.

Mitchell grabbed another cookie from the bag and plopped back down on the sofa, accidentally sitting halfway on Anders in the process.

“Sorry,” he said through a mouthful of cookie, “I’m kind of lightheaded from all the garlic…” crumbs flew from his mouth as he spoke.

“Oi don’t get crumbs on the furniture you heathen, or you’ll be sleeping in them!” Anders snapped lightly. He watched Mitchell as he visibly drooped, looking like he would begin crying at any moment. Anders rolled his eyes again. Why did he have to fall in love with the most over-emotional vampire on the face of the Earth?

Mitchell rested his head on Anders’ shoulder. “I’m sorry…” he mumbled.

Anders sighed. “Yeah, me too.” he turned the TV off and nudged Mitchell away from him. “I’m going to bed. I recommend you do too, since I’m sure you’re exhausted from all the crying you’ve done today.”

Mitchell gaped at Anders as the blond walked away towards the bedroom. “I didn’t cry today! I’m not tired at all!” he replied, indignant.

“Oh yeah? Prove it, Drac,” Anders taunted. Mitchell hurried after him, already in the process of getting naked.

“You know damn well I will, little god,” he growled.


	9. Fili/Kili, The Long Con

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 42) Foreign language evening class

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: yes, Fili is speaking in a huuuuuge convoluted mess of approximately 3 - 4 different languages. It's all a mix of what I know tbh. It was fun to do :P
> 
> Also I thought it would be funny if Kili were to have to teach English to someone... but spoke in such thick slang that he's incomprehensible! ... it turned out to be harder than I thought d.///.b

Kili sighed as he entered the building. He was so sure he’d never have to step back onto the property of his high school ever again. He was also sure he’d never get caught for vandalising his now-ex’s home and car. But here he was, just about to start teaching a group of adults how to speak English as part of his community service. For three months, he’d have to come in two nights a week to teach foreigners English.

Kili signed in to the attendance book and wandered around until he found the classroom he had lost his handjob virginity in his freshman year (thanks to Talawen Mataneth, who now did porn). That was the best algebra class of Kili’s life.

As he entered the classroom he tossed his backpack onto the teacher’s desk and slid on the smooth concrete floor over to the whiteboard, upon which he dramatically wrote his name with a green dry erase marker (some part of him had always wanted to do that). He capped the marker and slammed it back down on to the holder attached to the board then spun around to address his class.

There was only one. One other person was in the room besides Kili, and he was sat in the middle seat of the middle row of desks. The blond man sat there motionless, merely staring at Kili and waiting for him to make the next move.

Kili looked around as if there were others hiding.

“Yo… just you?” he finally asked the other man. He didn’t get a response. “Shit, yeah you don’t know shit about what I’m saying. Fuuuuuuuck.” Kili sighed and tried to run a hand through his hair but it was pretty tangled up, so his hand got wrapped up in it and just made things worse.

“Okay so, um… hey. Hi. Hello? Hi.” Kili awkwardly waved at the man. “You say that when you um… see people? Hi.”

“Hi.” the man said, raising his hand just like Kili’s. Kili smiled.

“Yeah, cool, just like that dude. Uhhh… so like my name is Kili. Kiiiiiiiliiiiiii.” he pointed at himself, then to the student. “Who are you?”

The blond blinked and continued staring. Then he gestured to himself. “Mi nom es Fili.”

“What? No, no, _my_ name is **K** ili. **KKKKK** ili. With a K.”

“Nandesuka? Non. Tu ist **K** ili. Mit ist **F** ili. Mi **F** ili tu **K** ili.”

Kili stared at the man. “What the hell language is that??” was all he could say. “Okay, look. Do you know _any_ English, at all?” he asked, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“El Pollo tiras es putas y papas fritas es su piel reciclada.”

Kili dragged his hands down his face.

 

\---

 

By week three, Kili had managed to teach Fili the English alphabet, and Fili had managed to teach Kili the Dothraki alphabet. On week seven, Kili enjoyed some fancy mozzarella sticks that Fili made for him, and Fili listened to Kili grumpily bitch about his ex. By week eleven, Kili had all but given up on actually teaching the ever stubborn Fili any more English and was just talking at him about anything and everything.

They played board games (that Kili blatantly cheated at sometimes, not that Fili knew because he didn’t even know the rules!), watched reality shows, and Kili moaned about his ex, especially on the day he came to pick up his things from Kili’s apartment.

“I didn’t know hotdogs were Dothrak,” Kili said the day Fili brought them in slathered in ketchup and sauerkraut. “I always thought they were American. These are dank.”

“Perro caliente es deluxe gourmand. Catsupu y sauerkrauten es ist doit. Pancho es tu. Deluxe.”

“Mm, ya, hella deluxe. Props, man.” Kili wiped his whole arm across his mouth to clean away the excess ketchup, making his arm a mess.

 

\---

 

It was week twelve. Kili’s last week, his last day. Kili was so anxious, his hands were shaking, but he had no clue why. Two days ago Fili brokenly asked him about it.

_“Last day?”_

_“Totally, bro. I’m soooo stoked. Soon as class is over I’m gonna bail with my bros to a hella fresh club and get lit. Shit’s gonna be so baller!”_

_“Oh. Es ist gut recontrer tu. Tu es mucho kawaii desu, ja.”_

_“Thanks bro, you too!”_

Then they both left. Now two days later Kili would see Fili for the last time ever. Kili was a bit saddened about it, he and Fili had gotten as close as two people who spoke two different languages could. The thought of cheery Fili helped Kili calm down. That man’s smile was like the sun to Kili; it was bright, made Kili warm inside and made his skin turn red. Kili left for the class earlier than normal.

When he arrived, Fili wasn’t there. This disappointed Kili slightly, but he waited. And waited. And waited. Fili never showed, leaving Kili sitting behind the teacher’s desk with a wilting heart. He was going to invite Fili out with his mates that night… but apparently not.

Kili sighed and stood, grabbing his things. It was time to go home… thirty minutes ago. When his back was turned, he heard the door open behind him.

“You’re still here! I fell asleep for a nap but then I overslept...”

Kili stood and turned to see Fili standing in the doorway, looking flustered and out of breath.

Several thoughts zoomed through Kili’s head, but the first thing out of his mouth was, “What the fuck. Do you want to go to the party with me?”

Fili nodded. “Yeah, I’d love to. Is this a date?”

Kili nodded. “Yeah, you wanna? Why the hell are you talking in English? What the fuck.”

“I’m from New Zealand, and I’ve lived in Europe my whole life until now. I just needed to learn American English so I don’t embarrass myself in public. It’s a pride thing.”

“It’s been _three months_ . You’ve been pretending to not speak English for _three fucking months._ You’re the only person in this stupid class, you could’ve just--”

Fili walked up to him and poked his forehead. “Being around you made me really flustered. It was easier to talk to you when you had no idea what I was saying... That first day… I couldn’t help but stare, you’re too cute! And then every day after that...”

Kili stared at Fili, deadpan. “You’re fucking with me. I don’t believe you.” he said.

Fili snorted. “Yeah well how about this?” he demanded. He pushed Kili up against the desk and himself up against Kili. And then they were one, with Fili smoochin’ the daylights out of Kili. And truly, the little light bulb in Kili’s brain flickered, then shut off. The small hamster sprinting in his brain wheel tripped and was flung from the wheel.

“Yeah… how about that.” Kili mumbled when Fili stepped away, voice an octave lower than normal.

“You still want to go to that club?” Fili asked him, biting his lip coquettishly. Kili laughed through his nose.

“Yeah. That’ll be our first date… _then_ when I let you take me home tonight, I’ll invite you in for coffee.”

“That couldn’t sound any better…” Fili grinned, pointedly watching Kili’s behind as he walked out of the room.


	10. Britchell, Morning Wood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 29) Morning wood? More like morning gas.

 

Dawn cleared her throat in that polite way that was completely unique to her. Anders set down the papers he was reading onto their table. They were eating lunch together at a casual restaurant, sitting outside to enjoy the excellent weather. Normally Dawn would be irritated that Anders had brought work with him to lunch, but this was Anders, so him doing any work at all was nothing short of a miracle. He was staring at her now, one eyebrow raised suspiciously.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“What? Nothing.” Dawn replied defensively, forking at her salad.

“No, no, no. You did that thing. I know that thing. You’re thinking about something but you’re afraid to actually say it.” Anders pointed at her, wagging his finger. He squinted his eyes at her, then looked away to take a large bite of his sandwich. 

Dawn cleared her throat again and nodded. “Okay, well… I had been wondering, lately… about Mitchell.”

That got Anders’ attention. He returned to staring at her. “What about?”

“Well… he’s dead.”

Anders snorted. “Yeah, he’s the living dead. Go on.”

“And you…  _ you… _ you know…”

“Jesus, Dawnsie, get to the point!” 

“You can’t go a day without sex! How does that work with him, if he’s got no blood flow…” she bit her lip, trying real hard to answer her own question in her thoughts. “Does he get hard? Morning wood?”

Anders, nose-deep in his drink, snorted and had to clean up his shirt with a napkin before the liquid stained his shirt.

“Morning wood? Fuck no, that toss pot gets morning  _ gas _ . The first time I tried to go in for a morning bit he blasted me, and in that moment, Dawnsie, I was sure I was in the trenches. That man emits mustard gas, I tell you, and it’s lethal!” he ranted.

Dawn giggled uncontrollably as Anders went back to reading their client’s file and munching on his meal.


	11. Britchell, Vision Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 71) Person A is near sighted but hates glasses and can’t wear contacts. How does Person B persuade them?

Anders watched Mitchell squint up at the menu, struggling not only to decide what he wanted to order, but also to be able to read it at all. He rolled his eyes.

“Do you want a burrito? A taco? A burger?”

“Uhhhmm… a burrito.”

“‘Kay what do you want in it, cheese, beef, chicken?”

“Well I want-- why are you asking? I can read the board--”

“Like hell you can!” Anders snorted, shaking his head. “You’re as blind as a bat. You need glasses, old man.”

Mitchell bristled and went to reply, but it was their turn to order food. They stepped up to the counter, but Anders beat Mitchell to the punch and ordered for him, since Mitchell was still trying to read the menu. Anders handed the vampire his empty drink cup and dragged him away to an empty table. They got their drinks and sat down.

“I’m not an old man…” Mitchell grumbled. Anders laughed.

“Babe, you’ll be reaching triple digits next year.  _ You’re old _ . You need glasses.”

“I don’t need glasses!” Mitchell crossed his arms and pouted. Anders rolled his eyes dramatically and went to fetch their food.

When Anders came back, Mitchell was glaring at the television hanging high up in the corner of the restaurant. “Face it Drac, you’re an old, blind, bat.” he said.

Mitchell sat straight and turned his glare to his lover. “I’m not old. I’m not blind! I’m not a bat!” he snapped. 

Anders snickered as he popped a fry in his mouth. “Whatever you say, Vlad…”

 

\---

 

Barely a week later, the boys were eating dinner at home. It was Mitchell’s turn that night to cook, causing the sickeningly sweet scenario of Anders coming home with a briefcase and smooching Mitchell on the cheek.

They sat down together and both took large bites of the spaghetti Mitchell cooked together. They both gagged and wretched instantly, spitting the noodles out.

“Holy fuck, Mitch! Garlic, much!?” Anders freaked out, choking down his glass of water. Mitchell wheezed as tears poured down his cheeks.

“I-I didn’t know it was garlic! I thought I grabbed the Parmesan!”

“The Parmesan that sits at the very top shelf in the spice and condiment cupboard, you mean.”

“... Yes…”

“I’m calling for takeout.”

 

Later that night, things were getting hot and heavy. The garlic debacle was all but forgotten as clothes were pulled off and flung across the dark room, and two bodies hit the bed.

“Kay hold up let me grab a condom,” Mitchell grunted, climbing up off the bed.

“Hurry up,” Anders demanded.

Mitchell scoffed and looked in the bedside table, but found nothing. He looked around, and spotted an unopened one on the dresser across from the bed, thanks to the moonlight illuminating the foil of the package. Mitchell went over and grabbed it and opened it up at the foot of the bed… only to have it slip from his fingers and hit the floor.

“Shit,” he murmured.

“Shit what?” Anders asked warily.

“I dropped it. Can’t find it…”

“What! It’s not that dark in here!”

“Yes it is! Plus there’s a whole bunch of other shit on the floor anyway,” was Mitchell’s excuse.

With an exasperated sigh, Anders crawled forward and peered over the edge of the bed, lying on his stomach. Almost immediately he found the condom lying on his abandoned boxers. He reached down and grabbed it.

“Mitch, it’s right here. Get your ass back up here, old man.”

“I’m not--!”

 

\---

 

_ “Anders!”  _ Mitchell hissed, turning beet red.  _ “Not here!” _

Anders grinned lasciviously, ceasing grinding into Mitchell’s ass but not taking his hands off his hips.

“I can’t help it, babe. D’you see how hot you look in those frames? You should get them.”

The mirror Mitchell stood in front of showed a pair of floating black glasses.

“Do I really?” he turned and asked Anders.

“Seriously, you look hot as fuck. I could pound you into the wall, right here!” Anders purred. Mitchell slapped the blond’s wandering hands away.

“At least wait until we get home!”

“Fine, prick. But the second we step through the front door…”

The receptionist looked up from her computer. “John Mitchell? The optometrist will see you now.”


	12. Fili/Kili, The Spanish Inquisition!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 30) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!

Kili was late. Really late. He was likely-to-be-locked-out late.  In all the years of carpet picnic date night, he had never messed up like this.  It was the whipped cream on his crappy Sunday. 

 

First, his client insisted on a Sunday portrait sitting.  They couldn't really afford for him to turn down work, even if this was their one day off together.  Then he missed the last bus and had to walk five miles home.  And he couldn't even text Fili and tell him because his phone was dead!  It didn't matter, he thought as he trudged, he was probably dead for missing date night anyway.  Traitorously, his stomach growled as he imagined his blonde boyfriend enjoying their dinner, comfortably stretched across the living room floor watching a movie… alone.  He blew an unruly brunette curl from his forehead with a huff and keep walking. 

 

At long last, the house was in sight.  It was dark now but no lights shone through any of the windows.  That was odd.  Now he was worried on top of everything else.  Long, lean legs lengthened their stride. 

 

Voices!  He heard voices inside.  Why would Fili have guests on date night in the dark?  Cheating never crossed his mind, but worries?  Worries multiplied.  Muffled shouting echoed inside. 

 

“Will you confess?” 

 

“No, no, no, no!” 

 

The door was locked!  Where were his keys?  The door was never locked because he could never keep track of his keys. 

 

“No, no, no, no!” 

 

Kili was flustered and close to panic now.  He had no keys, the door was locked, and he was sure Fili was in danger!  When he heard, “Now I'll work on the knees!” that was it.  He dropped everything and yanked open the nearest window, diving in. 

 

Hitting the ground shoulder first, he tucked his chin and rolled.  Rising, however, was blocked by a solid mass of muscle that flipped him, shoved him to the floor, grabbed his left wrist and shoved it behind his back up to his shoulder blade, immobilizing the terrified brunette. 

 

Struggling furiously, spurred on by imagining his beloved blonde lying injured or unconscious nearby, Kili bucked against the restraining form and called out to his love, “Fili!” 

 

Suddenly, the weight was gone from his back.  A lamp lit.  Two strong arms lifted him into an embrace. 

 

“Kili?” 

 

Blue eyes met brown.  Fear, worry, and finally comfort passing through both.  “Kili, what on earth were you doing?  You scared me half to death!” 

 

The explanation vomited out almost faster than Fili could follow.  “I missed the bus.  Had to walk home.  Phone died.  No keys.  Thought I heard you being interrogated and threatened.” 

 

“Oh, my love,” the blonde hugged his boyfriend tighter.  “I was just watching _History of the World Part I_ while I waited for you.  I was worried about you and the comedy was helping my nerves.  That was the Spanish Inquisition part you heard.” 

 

“Oh,” Kili actually looked sheepish.  “I thought we were watching _Young Frankenstein_ tonight.  I wasn't expecting the inquisition.” 

 

Fili laughed.  He rolled away from Kili laughing so hard tears ran down his cheek.  “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!” 


	13. Fili & Kili, Bitty Soccer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a FRE fill, just a teeny mini fic for that hella cute gif going around right now. I'll link it lol

“Go, Fili, go!!” 

“You can do it, Fili!!”

“Yeaaahhhh Filiii!!”

Little blond Fili basked in the praise and cheers sent his way by his family, and kept sprinting after the soccer ball that sped down the pitch. A spot on the little league kiddie soccer team had been Fili’s best present for his seventh birthday, and he was having the time of his life.

He had made sure to go to every single practice bright and early, never missing a single one. He did his darned best and always came home covered in dirt and grass stains and bruises.

Now he was playing his first match. His whole family was there to support him; Momma, Poppa, Uncle Fren and Uncle Thorn and baby brother Kiwi, who was only two.

“Yeaaaahh Fili!” Soccer Mom Dis cheered, swinging pom-poms around. Frerin jokingly imitated her, which caused tiny Kili to try his best to imitate him. He stood there making wild circles with his arm while he yelled out incomprehensibly. 

Fili managed to get a hold of the ball and kicked it aggressively towards the goal. The chubby little goalkeeper there waddled forward and flopped onto it. The pressure of his body launched the ball away, towards the sidelines.

“Booooo, hiiisssss! Get that child off the field!” Thorin bellowed, shaking his giant foam finger. Fili’s father Vali laughed and calmed him down.

Fili and another player from the other team jogged after the ball, which puttered directly next to where tiny Kili stood. Fili tried to kick the ball back into the field, but missed and slipped awkwardly onto his bottom. The other player succeeded and weakly booted the ball away, right around Kili.

Fili hopped back up and followed after the other player, but not before veering slightly out of the way so he could go and [hug his little babbling brother](https://66.media.tumblr.com/285253e609a88aef00788ee7977afbd0/tumblr_o6mo38LWue1tlb56zo1_400.gif), then seamlessly getting back into the game. Kili stumbled back ever so slightly, startled and confused.

Little blondie raced after the other player with the ball. The other child tripped, and Fili slammed into him. They both collapsed to the ground, Fili pulling the other boy’s shorts down along with them.

The next time the ball got near Kili, the mini brunet tried to join in the game and kick the ball back in himself. But big brother Fili was right there to gently and quickly bring him back to the sidelines. He smooched Kili right on the top of his head and once again skipped back into the game.

Things went on smoothly after that, up until a teammate of Fili’s got repeatedly hit in the face by the ball in insane circumstances, and he lost a tooth. The match ended after that. It was called a draw, which led to a disappointed Fili, but then Dis and Vali took him and Kili out for ice cream. 


	14. Fili/Kili, Unexpected Catch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1) I thought I’d take a stroll along the beach after the storm. The last thing I expected to see in a the net was you!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is in Mer!Verse/A Fish Tale au :) it's not the actual canon chapter 11, sorry to disappoint...

Kili spat out another glob of seaweed and seawater and huffed. What a pickled he had gotten himself into. Swimming that far out into the ocean was already a pretty stupid idea, but swimming right into a fisherman’s net? Foolishly and laughably senseless. Things were mostly a blur for a while after that, but what Kili knew now was that he was tangled in the net and stuck on the beach, covered in seaweed and sand to boot.

He heaved a sigh again and as he tried to get himself loose. Five minutes passed, and Kili had gotten nowhere. Ten minutes passed, and his arms were getting tired. Fifteen minutes passed, and Kili was close to tears. He was never getting out!! This was his life now, perishing away in a fish net, fending off crabs and seagulls until he died of dehydration.

The sound of footsteps had Kili looking up. It was Fili!! The blond merman had been missing in action now for over two months. Kili was sure he’d never see him again. But here he was! Strolling down the beach, scavenging for goodies.

“Fili!!” Kili shouted out, waving his arms wildly.

Fili looked up, spotted Kili, then hurried over.

“Kili, what are you doing in this?!” he asked. Without hesitation he unzipped one of his fanny packs. It was filled with several shells and small raw fish. “Wrong one.” he murmured, zipping it back up. He turned and opened his other one, and pulled out one of a plethora of knives. He immediately crouched down and began sawing away at the net, freeing Kili.

The instant he could, Kili launched himself at Fili, hugging him tight as they crashed into the sand. A small portion of Fili’s knives flew out of the fanny pack and littered both of the boys’ with tiny little nicks and scratches.

“Where the  _ hell  _ have you been!” Kili snapped. “And why are you here now?! I’ve come to this beach tons of times but you haven’t been here!”

“Um… here. There. Everywhere. Around. I came after the rain to find things, it’s for better finding weather. I didn’t know you would being here!” was Fili’s vague answer. “Why are you in this net?! How did this happen!” he asked.

Kili groaned. “I was looking for something important that I lost, I thought it could’ve been in the sea…” he explained.

“What? What did you lose? I will help you find this.” Fili pushed Kili off of him and jumped to his feet. He looked around for a moment, before bending down to collect his escaped knives. He delicately placed them back in the fanny pack and zipped it up.

“No need. I found it…” Kili stood up and bumped shoulders with Fili.

“You found this? What is it?”

“It’s you, you idiot. I lost you, and was looking in the ocean.”

Fili didn’t answer for several long moments.

“Oh.” he finally said, quietly. Kili moved forward and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Let’s go home, Fili. There’s new episodes of Spongebob to watch.” he grabbed Fili’s hand and they walked together back to Kili’s apartment, enjoying each other’s company.


	15. Fili/Kili, Pirate! au Part 1

Kili closed his telescope and pocketed it away, eyeing the other ship shrinking on the horizon just a mile away suspiciously. It had no reason to be in these waters, nor reason to be leaving Kili’s hideout. He hopped from the port railing and hurried to the starboard, staring hard at his island hideout. Even through the lens of a telescope for more scrutiny, nothing seemed amiss. All the inhabitants walking around he recognized, and they were behaving normally.

Pursing his lips, Kili stepped away and went to help his crew dock their ship. Just a coincidence, then. Perhaps they were mistaken in this port for being something other than what it was, is all. After docking, his crew went their own ways, mostly to the brothel or the tavern, where Kili himself went. He tried to take his mind off of the odd visitors by drinking himself to sleep, but it just made his thoughts run wilder. After drinking for hours and hours until the sun went down, he could take it no longer.

“Anja, I’ve gotta know. Tell me, love,” he slurred to the barmaid. “That ship…”

She smiled and handed him another pint. “Stop frettin’, sweetheart. A storm blew them off course and they had to say here for some days while they made repairs is all. They gave us no trouble!”

“Well… Okay, I guess,” Kili grumbled, face half hidden in his mug. The information did ease his mind, and he let himself enjoy the rest of the night surrounded by his peers.

  
  


 

In the morning, hangover be damned, Kili had to sluggishly make his way back down to the beach. He met with his crew as they roped up  _ The Bowstring _ to the palms and readied to spend the day removing the barnacles. Kili sat nearby at a makeshift desk, pouring over maps and writing notes, making sailing plans. Young though he may be, he had been trained well. 

As the sun rose and his men worked, Kili would stretch his legs from time to time, wandering around the area and lending a hand to those that needed it. Now he stood nearby in the shade, happy with his men's progress. As his gaze scanned the scene, something caught his eye. 

He zeroed in on it and stared. Well that was odd. A mound of wet sand in the middle of the beach? Something was buried there, surely.

Kili whistled to two of his strongest shipmates, Dwalin and Dori. He pointed out the mound of dirt.

“That’s suspicious, innit?” he asked.

“A bit, yeah. Want us to check it out?” Dwalin squinted at it. Without another word, Kili handed them both shovels. 

Kili followed them both over to the suspicious spot and watched as they dug up their prize: a large, nondescript trunk.

“Aha… I knew that ship was up to no good! Yank it out and pry her open!”

Even with the help of the strongest man on the island, Dwalin and Dori struggled greatly to get the trunk out.

“Ach! What the devil is  _ in  _ this thing!?” Dori snapped, a vein popping from his forehead. Kili jumped down and squeezed into the hole, into the tight space made available by his mates’ efforts. With all his might, he helped them by pushing. Finally the trunk gave way and slid completely out of the hole and onto the top level of the earth. By now more and more of the crew were paying attention to the three of them. How could they not when Dori was making an intense racket by attacking the trunk with his spade.

The lock broke and crumbled into bits onto the ground. The three of them stared at it for a long moment before Kili finally took action and climbed out of the hole. As he brushed the sand off his pants, he snapped and waved aggressively at his distracted crew.

“Oi you lot, get back to work!” he yelled. They grumbled but complied. Then in one move he pivoted around and kicked the top lid of the trunk. It swung up and slammed back into the sand.

“Holy shit!!” Kili yelled as the three of them jumped back in horror.

It was no wonder now why the trunk had been so heavy; there were two men bound inside it! Both were thought to be dead until one suddenly jerked and began to breath around his loose gag with shallow, weak gasps. He was pale and thin and there was dried blood clinging to his nostrils and the corners of his mouth. His eyes were clenched shut as he tried to get away from the sudden, harsh sunlight. Kili was unable to move, too shocked.

Dwalin stepped forward and carelessly dragged the dead man out of the trunk, tossing the body down into the hole. Dori pulled a knife from his belt and cut the bonds on the man’s wrists and ankles before carefully prying him from his prison. With no hesitation he set out for the village, hurrying to get the man who was so close to death some medical help.

Young Kili stared in horror as Dwalin started to fill the hole back up, the corpse still within.

“Don’t want anyone kickin’ up a fuss over a dead body hanging around,” he explained gruffly.

“Who is that? In the hole? You know him, I saw the look you gave him… and the other man! You know them both. Dwalin, who are these men?”

Dwalin sighed and stuck the shovel in the sand, before walking away and plopping down onto a crate. Kili followed and sat on another one next to him.

“I can’t be  _ sure _ who our survivor is… but our dead man. The last time I’ve seen him he had barely as much of a beard as you!”  he smiled at Kili’s indignant huff, but continued on sadly. “He was much younger though. His name is __ Frerin and he’s the younger brother of Captain Thorin Blacklock, the most fearsome and savage captain that used to sail these seas. A sweet lad, he was,”

Kili let out a small gasp.  _ Thorin Blacklock. _ Everyone had heard of him, he had performed such astronomical feats years and years ago, but then he disappeared off the face of the earth. Soon he faded into legend, no one sure if he really had existed. 

“Aye. He and I sailed with Thorin, our captain and my best friend. He was as terrible as they say. But then he got sick in the mind… shit happened, and… well… before that, though. In tragedy their parents were killed, leaving their large estate to the brothers and their baby sister, Dis--”

Kili sat straight and crossed his arms. “Hey wait a tick, why are you telling me this? It’s a bit long winded, innit? Why not just get straight to the point?” he glared. “Who was that guy? Why’s he so important that he gets a whole damn speech?”

Dwalin’s eyebrows raised impossibly high. “I’m gettin’ there, you impatient lump! Let me talk, and you’ll  _ know  _ why he’s so important!”

They stared each other down for a long moment, but finally Kili backed down. “Fine. Go on,  _ I guess, _ ”

Dwalin smirked, then continued. 

“Where was I? Right. So they went to claim their property, but found they could not because none of them were married with an heir. Almost immediately Thorin married Dis off to a noble from London, who also needed a wife and an heir. Within a year their means to an end was born; Fili, a wee bonnie lad.

For a while the five of them settled in their family estate. But the call of the sea was too strong, like a siren singing to sailors. It wasn’t five years before they were back on open water.

Fili and Kol stuck out like a manatee in a symphony of mermaids. Wee Fili was… still a wee little lad, and Kol had a massive silver spoon shoved so far up his backside! But his love for the beauty Dis was eternal, so he followed her. He didn’t last a full year, the poor man. Blasted apart by cannon shot, he was, leaving wee Fili to be the only blond in the entire Blacklock family.

Dis found a new lover almost immediately after Kol exploded into a fine pink mist. I’ve always been certain she’d been seein’ the lout way before that though. 

It doesn’t matter. Thorin was already going mad, and I couldn’t take much more. He crossed the line one day and I had to go. Everyone had left Thorin but me. Dis ran away with her lover, her belly heavy with child. The last time I saw Frerin, he was caring after that little scamp Fili.

So finding Frerin dead in that trunk almost twenty years later, with a blond man about your age?

Can’t be anyone but Fili, in my mind. Fili, heir to the Blacklock fortune and heir to the most dangerous man in this part of the world,”

Dwalin nodded solemnly, gauging Kili’s reaction. The young brunet captain looked down into the sand, collecting his thoughts. Finally he looked up to Dwalin.

“So he’s pretty important, then.”  
  
“Aye, a bit.”

“And he’s probably being missed by the most dangerous man we could encounter? Along with his younger brother,”

“Aye, most likely.”

“What the fuck was he doing locked up in a box?”

“Lad you know I can’t answer that.”

Kili sighed and rubbed a hand down his face.

“Well then we’d better hope he survives the next several nights, else we’re gonna have hell rain down on us.”

Dwalin laughed and stood up, clapping Kili on the shoulder. He just nodded and continued laughing all the way back to the tavern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	16. Fili/Kili, Pirate! au Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The calm before the storm.

It took approximately four days, sixteen hours and twenty two minutes for Kili’s least desirable trait to bubble to the surface. Kili had gotten what Dwalin liked to say was, “Too damn curious for your own good!!”

Kili tried his damn best to stamp down the urge; who was he to care about some random bum he dug up and discovered in a trunk on his beach? He discovers random half dead bums all the time in much more absurd places! No need to kick up a fuss over one more.

But it was happening again, that little niggling feeling in the back of his brain that demanded he go find more. This wasn’t just  _ some bum _ . This was the heir of Thorin Blacklock. 

Dwalin would reprimand him if he knew. The last time Kili got overly curious about something, he lost a small chunk of his left earlobe and a tooth. No big deal, but Kili learned not to snoop around someone’s house just because it smelled like ass pie.

He gently touched his still healing ear as he thought of it, starting his walk towards the medical hut.

 

He walked into the building like he owned the place. Oin, the physician, was tending to a fellow pirate who had drunkenly broken his leg the night before. He looked over his shoulder as Kili sauntered in.

“Don’t tell me you’ve done something stupid, too,” he said. Kili rolled his eyes.

“Nay, not today. I’m here to see the one that was brought in some days ago. Uh… blond? And mostly dead. He’s not dead, is he?”

Oin pointed towards another room. “He’s back there.  _ Don’t _ wake him up, he just went under!”

Kili waved away the warning. “Aye, aye, I won’t,” he said, walking past the old pirate. He instantly spotted the man he was looking for, lying face first on the corner cot. Most of his head was hidden beneath the shabby pillow and his back was covered entirely in bandages. Kili snuck over, curious. He didn’t remember seeing any back injury. What could be hiding beneath those bandages…?

“What the hell are you doing?” a raspy voice slurred. Kili jumped and quickly yanked his hands away from the man’s back, where he had been trying to pull away the gauze.

“Nothing!” Kili said quickly.

“Doesn’t feel like nothin’,”

“Well it wasn’t nothin’,” Kili sneered. He saw the man’s mouth twitch into a brief smile. Then he reached up with a hiss of pain and yanked the pillow from his face. Kili stared into his deep blue eyes. He was relieved to see that the man looked much healthier than he had been mere days ago. With water and food, his skin returned to a healthy glow, and he no longer looked like he was on Death’s doorstep.

“Aye, you’re right, it was somethin’,” he teased. Kili straightened his posture and crossed his arms, feeling quite indignant. He stuck his tongue out at Fili, furthering the childish game.

“Nay! The old man told me to check yer back and that’s what I was doin’!”

“That ain’t  _ ‘nothin’ _ , and that ain’t what you were doin’. Obviously you wanted a look at the map. Well it’s too late for that, it’s gone,” Fili explained, obviously annoyed. Kili blinked, baffled. He had no idea what Fili was talking about, but if he pretended he did he could get more information out of him. He grabbed a nearby stool and dragged it over, plopping down on it.

“Well… what happened to it?”

“I happened to it. I was in a tight spot with a mate, and in order to best save our hides I flung myself into the chef’s pot of boiling stew,”

Kili sucked in a horrified gasp. “What!” he hissed, “Why the fuck--”

“Our captors wanted the map that was tattooed on my back, just like you. It was the best way to assure our release, which we thought would be to be dropped into the ocean, where there was a dingy waiting for us a ways away. Aye, we did not anticipate being beaten and tied up, locked in a trunk for days, but it turned out alright,” he sighed. “So go and tell whatever captain you sail under that he can stop his hunt for my back. Spread the word. The map to Erebor is no more,”

Kili’s heart skipped a beat.  _ Erebor _ , the fabled island filled to the brim with gold. It, like Thorin Blacklock, was a well known legend. Kili distractedly heard Fili say:

“Whatever your physician friend slathered on my back is working wonders, I must say. I’m quite numb, it feels like opium on my back. What I wouldn’t give for a pipe of that right now…”    
But he was too in shock to give it his attention.

“How long ago was this?” Kili asked after his racing thoughts slowed. Fili closed his eyes to think.

“It was the beginning of the month when it happened. The third, I believe,” he stated. Kili nodded and began counting on his fingers. His head shot up and he stared agape at Fili.

“You two were in that trunk for six days! How in the seven hells did you survive with no food, drink, and a fucking terrifying back wound?! Your friend had barely a mark on ‘im and he’s as dead a fuckin’ doornail!”

That got Fili’s attention. “What folly is this? Frerin? Dead? Ha!” he cried. He pushed himself up onto his elbows, ignoring his pain to look around the room frantically. “Stop spitting lies, curr!” 

Kili blanched. “Look I’m sorry mate, but I saw him myself, he’s--”

“You fuckin’ liar!” Fili roared. It wasn’t as intimidating as it could’ve been, with him lying weakly on his stomach in a sickbed. But it started to be when Fili pushed himself up and onto his feet with alarming speed. Kili leaped to his feet, kicking the stool out of the way to prevent himself from tripping.

“Do you know what we do with filthy liars?” Fili spat, bumping chests with Kili.

Instinctively, Kili stepped backwards until he was pressed up against the wall, Fili still puffed up in anger.

“Calm yourself! I speak no lies, your man lay dead on you when we found you in the trunk!” he cried. Fili’s arm shot forward, pinning Kili to the wall by his throat as it pressed painfully onto his trachea. 

“I asked you a question, whelp! Do you know what we on  _ The Arkenstone _ do with filthy little liars?” he hissed into Kili’s ear.

“N-Not--”

“What the devil is going on back here! Kili, what did I say about waking him!” Oin charged over and with impressive strength, yanked Fili off, grabbed Kili by his arm and flung him halfway across the room.

“The lack of oxygen in that trunk has addled this man’s brain, clearly, for he has gone mad! ” Kili snarled, catching his breath.

“This man is weak from shock and pain,” Oin snapped, “I told you not to wake him! That includes poking and prodding and yanking at his bandages! Now get out of here, curr, while I undo the damage you did  _ all over again! _ ”

Kili sulked, glaring at the old man. “He is anything  _ but _ weak,” he spat. He turned on his heels and stormed out of the building. Screw his curiosity, screw those idiot pirates, and most of all,  _ screw _ that Fili, heir to Thorin Blacklock and bearer of the map of Erebor!!

 

For almost a week Kili successfully avoided his unwanted guest. It wasn’t to last. The two men ran into each other again when Kili went down to the docks to see about some repairs getting done on his ship. Sitting off to the side by his lonesome was Fili, his legs dangling off the boardwalk and into the sea. He took a swig from a bottle as he gazed out onto the horizon, and Kili wasn’t about to interrupt him. He transacted with the merchant and went with him to observe the damage on his ship. Several minutes later, he noticed that Fili was watching them. So Kili stared back.

They held each other’s gaze for a short time before finally Fili turned away. Kili rolled his eyes, finished his business with the merchant, then walked over and stood next to Fili.

They said nothing to each other for a long moment, until Fili pulled out a bottle of laudanum -- for the pain, no doubt; his back injuries were extensive -- from hiding and took a long swig.

“Oin kicked you out? That’s what you get for being an ass,” Kili sniffed. He eyed the laudanum pointedly. “Best be careful with that. I’ve seen great men fall into addiction,” 

“Did any of those men get the expanse of their back boiled off? I know what I’m about,” Fili replied. “Nay, the good doctor was reluctant to be parted from my stunning personality. He only did so out of necessity; he needed the bed,”

Kili nodded in understanding. “You are staying at the inn, then?”

Fili snorted. “Nay. I’ve no coin to pay for lodgings, so I sleep with the hogs with only my drink to keep me warm at night,” he explained lightly, pretending to not care about his situation. “All is well and it shouldn’t last. I have sent a message to my uncle, and he should be on his way post haste to collect me,”

“That will take weeks!” Kili declared.

“You doubt the speed of  _ The Arkenstone? _ Nay, it should take no more than two,”

“I can’t have even you sleeping out on the streets for that long. I will get you a room in the inn until your ship arrives,”

“I refuse. I will get a room, but only after I can pay for it myself. I will get a job,”

Kili argued.

Fili argued back.

He eventually relented, when a sharp jolt of pain ran up his back as he accidentally moved the wrong way, causing him to reach for his laudanum. 

“You can’t get a job in the state you’re in. You can pay me back when you… reach Erebor. How’s that?”

Fili rolled his eyes. “Aye, fine,”

 

When the reached the tavern, Kili went straight to the owner and paid for the room and two pints of ale. He and Fili sat at an empty table and got to talking and drinking. They discovered a number of shared interests, and Kili found that Fili not only had an arsenal of excellent jokes at his disposal, but he was an amazing story teller.

His loose lips revealed the reason he was staring so intensely at Kili earlier in the day: Under the influence of the codeine, Fili’s eyes deceived him and made him believe that Kili was his late uncle Frerin, who was the closest thing he had to a father figure. That was why he reacted so poorly to the news of his death; his earliest memory was of the remains of his actual father being sprayed all over him and the deck of their ship. Kili learned that it was no real worry about the map being abolished off of Fili’s back, which was tattooed onto him as a small child by Thorin himself, as both he and Frerin had memorized it. 

Fili learned about Kili that Dwalin was the same to him as Frerin was to Fili. He had no recollection of his real family, but he and Dwalin sailed and conquered the seas for most of his life, eventually taking ownership of the island and co-running it with the help of Dwalin’s older brother, Balin.

They talked and talked and talked before Fili decided to call it a night; he was exhausted. Kili agreed, and saw him off. In the following weeks, they would keep each other company, growing ever closer in friendship. There was still no sign of any ship Fili knew, but he was starting to not mind it. He was growing comfortable on the island, and was beginning to get used to the idea of settling down there.

 

One afternoon, four weeks after Fili sent out the letters in hopes of reaching his uncle, a large storm rolled in. The wind whipped the palms and other flora, debris shooting through the air. Doors and windows slammed against their hinges and the rain bit welts into those unlucky enough to be caught in it. Fili was in a deep, deep sleep that he had achieved with some assistance. Kili, on the other end of the island, was helping to secure buildings and get his citizens into safety. Soaked to the bone and ears ringing from the deafening winds, he barely noticed when an ornate hatchet buried itself into a wooden pillar beside his head. He tilted his head and eyed it curiously, before trying to yank it out. No luck, it was stuck.

A thought struck Kili, and his stomach sank. The wind wasn’t strong enough to embed it like that, and it was very well aimed. He looked in the direction from where it had to have come, and could feel the blood drain from his face as his suspicions were confirmed. Masses of rogue pirates were headed onto the island, armed to the teeth. Their intention was readily apparent. They marched directly towards the town center, towards the whorehouse, and towards Kili.


	17. Britchell, How To Train Your Skinchanger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The How To Train Your Dragon Britchell au nobody really wanted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, yes, I know, this isn't the pirate finale. I'm unsure whether or not I want to delete the pirate chapters here and make them their own story... but I feel selfish and don't want to because then I'll lose all your nice comments on them~ ;A;
> 
> It is the same with this one, I don't want to make it it's own thing, but I do... but I don't... ah... you guys should decide for me~ let me know~ and send me prompts that I might be able to fill lmao~
> 
> This one is not complete either, obviously. I originally wanted to complete it before publishing but I know it would take me much, much longer to do that and I just... wanted to get what I have out, now, because I am in, and have been for a while, a really fucking horrible place mentally right now. So I want to give you guys this as compensation for radio silence before now and after now :(

Anders grumbled to himself as he picked berries from their bushes, sticking it in his bushel. He was out on foraging duty,  _ again,  _ while the rest of his family went on the raiding party for dragons. ‘Twas the season; the dragons were back to breed for the year, and their breeding grounds were unfortunately close to Norsewood. So every season, clan Johnson led the rest of the village out to hunt dragon meat and skin for the winter.

But then there was Anders. Little wimpy Anders, the size of a toothpick. There was no way he could take on not even a baby dragon, it’s a fact that had been hammered home into Anders’ psyche from the time he was able to lift a wooden sword. Well, try to, anyway. He was the weak one, born early and during a winter famine. Luck was not on Anders’ side from day one.

Anders looked up towards the sky to watch as a Night Terror flew erratically overhead. He scoffed and rolled his eyes when he noticed his older brother wrangling with it. He heard the resulting crash and tussle a moment later, the shouting and roaring of both Mike and the dragon muffled by the forest trees. The dragon let out on final wail before cutting sharply off. Mike had killed it, and would be dragging it back to the village to be scaled and cooked.

The sun had finished setting, and it was time for Anders to get back. He hitched his fruit-laden bushel onto his hip and started the long trek home.

A deafening roar filled the air that caused Anders to freeze. That was not a sound he recognized. Anders knew the ins and outs of dragons better than anyone in the village, he knew what they all sounded like. What he just heard was  _ not  _ something he knew. He stood and listened, waiting for more. He got what he wanted. Another unfamiliar roar rang out, and then another. Anders could see a fearsome dark shadow zoom through the air and he prayed to the gods that it didn’t see him. All he was armed with was a simple dagger that was mockingly gifted to him a few years back by his father.

Anders’ stomach dropped as the shadow divebombed into the forest. He heard the crashing of trees in the distance, and Anders dare not move. A large deer burst into the clearing and charged past Anders, making his heart leap into his throat.

The roar let out again, chilling Anders to the bone. But this time, it was cut off abruptly and ended in a high pitched screech. There were several frantic roars after that, as if it were panicking.

It wasn’t angry… it was hurt! Well it was most certainly angry, but mostly, it was hurt. Anders couldn’t think what could’ve hurt it-- one of his traps! Anders stood straight, listening. He shook himself out of his stupid. He had to see! His family always laughed at him for his stupid rinky dinky traps because they never really seemed to work. But now!! Anders could have laughed. Instead he dropped his bushel and sprinted excitedly through the trees mindlessly, guided by the moonlight.

It seemed to take eons, but finally Anders made it. He could hear the beast thrashing wildly just a few steps away. Anders steeled his nerves and rushed through the last batch of trees.

The noise startled the beast and made it still. It made eye contact with Anders, and Anders gasped as he stared at those large, green eyes.

Its pupils dilated and it reared back, letting out a fearsome screech, causing Anders to stumble back in fear. 

The dragon opened its large mouth and Anders could see sparks flying. He wanted to move, but he couldn’t. The black beast was so mesmerizing. If not for the moonlight and those eyes, the creature’d be invisible. A stray spark flew from the mouth and onto a rock, lighting up the area enough for Anders to see his trap-- and the beast’s tail, ensnared within. Just when Anders looked back, a large ball of fire was spewed his way. Anders dove out of the way, but was hit with a glancing blow to the neck by a stray flame. He tumbled to the ground, but scrambled back to his feet in a hurry, ignoring the searing pain. He ran back from where he came, not once looking behind him.

Anders finally made it back home nearly twenty minutes later. Glancing at the window showed that at least some of his family was home. He hoped it was just his baby brothers.

No such luck. Anders pushed his way into his home only to meet his father and Ty. Johan sat on his claimed seat in front of the fire pit, sharpening a large battleaxe. Little Ty sat quietly beside him, sharpening his own dagger. Both stopped and looked up at Anders as he entered.

“You’re late, boy,” Johan said. Anders pursed his lips.

“Something came up,” was all he said. Johan ignored him.

“Where’s your keep?” he asked instead. Anders cursed himself, not having realized he had dropped all the food he had gathered in the forest.

“Like I said: something came up,”

Anders’ adrenaline ran out then. His neck started throbbing and burning, he had to bit his lip not to let tears of pain spring forth. He turned and walked out of the main room, into his bedroom. He went to close the door behind him, but it was stopped by Ty, who had followed him. Anders groaned internally. He wanted to deal with the  _ literal  _ pain in his neck, not the metaphorical one.

“What is it, Ty?” he sighed.

“Dad’s mad. You’re in lots of trouble,”

Anders rolled his eyes. He was always in trouble with their father.

“I don’t care, Ty. Go to bed, it’s late--” 

Ty gasped. “Andy! You’re hurt! What happened?!” he cried, reaching to touch Anders’ neck. Anders hissed and jerked away.

“Don’t  _ touch _ it!” 

He shooed Ty away with assurances that he was fine, then went to his washroom. He bathed quietly, hoping Johan wouldn’t wait for him and would instead go to the village center to join in the feast, where everyone celebrated  _ Mike. _

Anders gently tended to his burn and went to bed.

 

He awoke late morning and crawled out of bed, sneaking around hoping he was the only one up. After changing his bandages, he was out of the house. All he could think about was that dragon. He had to see it again! The rest of the village along with his family seemed to be passed out from the night before, making things much easier for Anders. He hurried to the forest, in search of his trap and a dead dragon.

Hopefully all he’d have to do is carve the heart out, despite how much he hated blood. If he could bring Johan a dragon heart, things would start to look a lot different for him at home.

In Anders’ haste, he reached the edge of the forest in no time at all. It was then that his nerve began to leave him.

Anders had never been in this situation before, he wasn’t all that sure what to do. What if someone else had found the dragon while he slept? He had planned on bringing Johan the heart, but what was he to do with the remains? Anders took a deep breath and steeled himself before continuing.

From then on he moved through the thick trees with caution. Finally he was a mere few steps from his dead dragon. But it was now crystal clear that his dragon was anything  _ but _ dead. Just through the trees ahead Anders could hear the mighty beast moving and making angry noises. Anders steadied himself. He’d just have to go in and finish the deed! He had felled the beast from the sky, he could do this! Pulling his small dagger from the sack on his back, Anders leapt forward into the small, charred clearing.

The large black beast was laying down at an awkward angle, and his tail was still stuck in the trap.

Both Anders and the dragon froze at the sight of each other. What felt like long minutes of staring was really only a few seconds. Then, the dragon opened his large mouth and Anders watched as a large ball of fire began forming. Something possessed Anders, and instead of running away, he ran forward, towards the creature.

The dragon was apparently just as shocked as Anders was at himself, as the beast snapped his snout shut and practically stumbled backwards, away from the small Norseman. Now lying flat on its belly, it swiped at Anders with a wing, effectively flinging Anders off his feet and onto his back. The dragon continued to try and get away, but wasn’t able to get far at all with its tail still ensnared in Anders’ trap.

Anders spared no thought towards it and scrambled back to his feet, continuing to charge straight at the dragon. The dragon made one last feeble attempt to escape, and again failed. He let out a miserable growl and… gave up. He laid down on his stomach and rested his head on the ground, accepting his fate.

It was this that caused Anders to trip over his feet and stop his assault. Why wasn’t the sky beast fighting back? He wasn’t struggling, wasn’t attack Anders, wasn’t doing anything. Anders’ gaze slid over to his trap. He had never expected the device to work so well. From where he stood, Anders could tell the wound on the beast was savage. The dragon was trapped and in pain. He was likely starving, as well, having been out there all night.

Anders lowered his dagger. What was he doing? He couldn’t kill this thing. This wasn’t like him. What the village always said of him was true; he was a nimby, he had a soft heart. It was decided, he’d let the dragon go then go on with his life as normal. 

The dragon had begun to watch Anders’ every move with surprisingly human-like emotions. Despair, annoyance and confusion were all over the black beast’s face.

Anders sighed and dragged a hand down his face. “I’m not… I’m not going to kill you.” he said, unsure if the beast could even understand him. It sure stared at him like it did. “I’m going to free you.”

Slowly Anders inched over to the trap. He reached out a hand, but then the dragon quickly jerked his tail, startling Anders to his core.

“Don’t do that!” he hissed at the beast, who chirped in reply and looked away. Anders set to work and began trying to pry the trap apart. After several long seconds, he had no such luck. It had malfunctioned and it was clear there was no getting it open.

“Damn,” he hissed. No wonder the trap worked so well -- it was shit! The blond sat back on his haunches. “Okay, look, Beast. You want to be let go, right?” he asked. The dour look Anders received in return was incredible. “Right, of course you do. But in order to do that… I have to cut your tail fin off.”

That garnered a violent reaction from the dragon, who roared loudly and hopped to its feet, letting out a stream of fire into the sky and trying to yank his tail from the trap. Anders scrambled to his feet and leapt onto the beast’s tail, holding on tight as he was whipped back and forth.

“Stop, stop!” he shouted. The dragon let out another fearsome roar. “If you want to be free you have to let me do this!” he pleaded. Anders continued to hold on until the beast tired himself out, finally giving up. Anders sat up and placed his elbow on one knee, resting his head on his hand.

“You done? Like I said, I  _ have  _ to do this. But I won’t until you give me the okay.” he stared straight into the dragon’s eyes. What was he doing? Having a one sided conversation with a  _ dragon _ …

The great big beast moaned loudly… but jerked his head down once in agreement.

“Okay. Uh… Do you think it would help if you had something to bite down on? Like a tree or something… that’s what we do back in the village whenever something like this has to get done,” Anders shrugged. He looked around and spotted just the thing at a conveniently close distance.

The dragon looked at Anders skeptically, but with little struggle he reached and grabbed the trunk in his mouth, dragging it back and getting comfy.

Anders sighed again and looked back down at the mangled tail fin. There really was no saving it. He grabbed his dagger and positioned it accordingly before taking a deep breath and beginning. Immediately the beast let out a muffled roar, biting down viciously on the tree trunk. As Anders continued, trying to get it over and done with as quickly as possible, the dragon let out a large stream of fire that was split in half by the log. The fire didn’t have any time to have any effect on it though, because the strength of the dragon’s bite snapped it in half like a twig.

Anders began having more and more trouble as he progressed, the amount of blood pouring out hampering his progress and causing his hands to slip around dangerously. As he sawed away, things only got worse. He could barely grip the dagger anymore from the blood, and the thick, leathery skin was dulling his blade, all while being jerked around while the dragon writhed around violently in pain. 

At the very end, it was clear his knife could do no more.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Anders cursed underneath his breath. There was a finger’s width left to cut off, but Anders’ dull knife would only cause more unnecessary pain while making no progress. He had no other choice; he had to tear the rest off. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he chanted too quietly to the beast. What had he done to the gods to deserve landing himself in such a wild situation? Wiping his bloody hands and the bloody fin on his tunic for a better grip, he grabbed the tail and the fin, and with all his mustered strength, ripped the fin away.

The most deafening roar yet wrenched itself from the dragon’s throat, and it bucked wildly. But, it was free. Anders was flung from it’s tail and flew through the air, the wind knocked out of him as he landed on the ground some ways away. The tail fin was still in his hand, and he noticed a small chunk of actual tail came away with it when he removed the appendage. He gasped and watched the dragon snap about, roaring and convulsing. 

It hopped to face the more dense part of the forest, and as it began its escape, the rest of its tail accidentally whipped Anders across the face, ripping open a fierce cut across the entirety of the left sid.. Anders was unconscious instantly.

  
  
  


He was aware of his surroundings some time later in the day, and he just lay there listening to the birds chirpings and bugs buzzing by as he tried to recollect what had happened. His eyes remained closed as let himself relax as much as he could with a throbbing face. The crackling of a fire caught Anders’ attention though, and he sat up on his elbows, looking for the source.

It was very close, he found out, and he could actually feel the heat of it. Sitting on the burnt half of log the dragon had crushed with his bite was a young man, and he was cooking what looked like a flattened rabbit on a spit in the fire.

The man, who looked more like a boy in Anders’ eyes, was very pale and sickly looking. His wild black hair, and even the curls of his chest hair, contrasted sharply with his complexion. The more Anders observed him, the more hair there seemed to be. Anders had just had his eighteenth birthday in the past month, and he had less hair than this  _ boy  _ who looked a year or two younger. It was thick on his head, his chest, his arms, his thighs… and even his  _ groin _ , which was covered by nothing at all. Anders blushed and looked away. But something caught his eye, causing him to doubletake sharply.

The man had hair everywhere, all right, except for one of his legs, which was missing from the middle of his shin down. The wound looked very, very freshly cauterized, and there was the remnants of dried blood  leftover.

“Why are you naked?” Anders blurted out. The man startled, his stubbly face whipping up sharply in Anders’ direction.

“You’re awake!” he gasped in his thick Celtic brogue. 

“Who are you?” Anders asked, sitting up further.

“How’s your face?”

Anders reached up and gently touched the wound, hissing in pain but surprised to see that it had actually been taken care of; it had been washed out and there was an odd ointment on it.

“Oh, so you take care of my injury but leave me lying on the cold, hard ground?” was his snarky question. The man rolled his eyes.

Anders stared hard at him. No clothes, a freshly missing limb, and no questions about the wreckage about them, or how Anders had been hurt… he quickly looked around for the tail fin he had cut off and had dropped when knocked unconscious. It was gone. He turned back to the man, who was watching him.

“You’re the dragon, aren’t you?”

The man looked shocked and ready to shoot down such an accusation, but Anders pointed out his evidence before he had the chance. The man looked away, defeated. Anders asked him where the tail fin went, and the man pointed to a small mound of dirt a ways away. It had a tiny cross sticking out of the top of it. Anders snorted.

“How cute,” he said sarcastically. “How’d you catch that rabbit? I doubt you’re much able to hunt very well in your condition.”

The Celt blushed and thought back to how he had found the injured bunny and ended up belly flopping on top of it after tripping over a large tree root. There wasn’t much he could do then, except bring the flattened corpse back and eat it.

“It doesn’t matter,” he mumbled.

Anders huffed and ran a hand through his hair. He looked back at the man’s leg, which looked horrific.

“That looks fucking awful. You should come back to the village with me so we can make you look somewhat tolerable,” he said.

“No!” the dragon snapped, flinching back. “I can’t go there, they’ll murder me! I’ll just go home,” Anders rolled his eyes.

“Oh please. Why? It’s not like you’re a dragon right now… how does that work, by the way? Turning into a dragon and back…?”

The other man was now on his feet… foot. “That doesn’t matter right now. I’m not going to a village of  _ dragon-slayers _ !” he hissed. Anders watched as the man weebled and wobbled then ultimately fell back on his ass with his now unfortunate sense of balance.

“What’s your name?” Anders snickered.

The man glared at him then struggled to stand back up, brushing the dirt and pine needles off his butt. “You can call me… Mitchell.” he told Anders.

“Oh yeah? _I_ _can call you Mitchell?_ Well you can call me Anders of clan Johnson. What’s your clan?”

Mitchell eyed him warily. “I’m of clan Mitchell, in the north a ways,” he murmured, crossing his arms.

“Mitchell of clan Mitchell? Wow, got some creative folk up there, I see,” Anders laughed. “Must be that elusive Celtic clan no one believes exists. Well Mitchell of clan Mitchell, I am taking you officially as a hostage of clan Johnson, and you are coming back to the village with me,”

“I’m not going to your village! They’ll  _ know _ and they’ll  _ kill me! _ ” Mitchell snapped.

Anders rolled his eyes. “No they won’t. You’re giving them too much credit. I’m the smartest person in the village, honestly. Everyone else is as dumb as a bag of rocks. You’ll be fine, I’ll just tell them the truth. You’re from a clan up north, I trumped you in battle and took you hostage,” he stood up then, and pulled off his bloody tunic, leaving him in only his trousers. “Tie this around your waist. I’m not dragging a naked prisoner into my village! We do have standards,” he sniffed.

“It’s covered in blood!” Mitchell whined. Anders snapped his fingers at him until he finally relented grumpily, tying the tunic around his waist.

  
  


Mitchell huffed and puffed as he hopped along after Anders. His wrists were tied loosely together with some twine, and Anders was pulling him along like a prisoner.

“I don’t see why we couldn’t do this closer to your village… it’s rubbing my wrists raw!” he whined.

“Yeah that’s the point,” Anders replied, tugging sharply twice. The sudden jerking caused Mitchell to stumble and fall, scraping his knees.

“Aaah!” He yelped. Anders stopped and watched as Mitchell sat back and pulled his knees to his chest, tears pooling in his eyes as he stared woefully at the awful scrapes marring his skin.

“Cry baby. We’ll get you cleaned up when we get home.”

“It’s gonna hurt to walk though. How much farther?”

“Not much. C’mon, fierce and almighty beast of the skies, let’s go!” Anders tugged on the cord until Mitchell struggled back to his feet and limped after the short blond.


	18. Fili & Kili, Mutated Relations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Definitely-Not-An-Xmen au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really you guys, it isn't! When I first thought of the idea well over two years ago, it wasn't until after I thought more on it that I realized 'oh this sounds like-- oh dear'  
> but i know literally nothing about xmen tbh so afaik it isn't much lol. Also I wrote approx 99% of it in the past few hours so it's truly a wonder what I can get done after putting something on the backburner for years at a time lol! tell me what you think, y'all ;) ((this literally started at just tiny Fili being a cute carrot pirate, what a wild ride it's been))

The mall was incredibly busy that day, and the only seat available for Bilbo to eat his lunch at was a lonely bench off against the far wall. He didn’t mind though, he enjoyed people watching. His lunch for the day was an overly-priced sandwich with a large cookie, a frozen lemonade and a small bag of baby carrots. Even though he didn’t have a table to sit at, Bilbo was able to make do with his lap.

It was just as he looked down to take another bite of his sandwich that Bilbo noticed something stop right in front of him. He closed his mouth and place the sandwich back on its wrapper, looking up. There, not two feet away from him was a thin, tired looking little blond boy.

“Oh! Hello,” Bilbo greeted. “How do you do?”

The boy didn’t say anything, and just stood there looking at Bilbo. His gaze slid to the spot on the bench next to him, where his carrots and cookie lay.

“Yarrr,” he finally said, scrunching up half his face and making a hook with his hand. Bilbo feigned horror.

“A pirate? Oh no! Not a pirate!” he gasped. That got the boy to smile and nod deeply.

“Yarrr booty,”

“Well, I guess I don’t have any choice than to surrender, there’s nothing I really can do up against someone so dangerous as a _pirate_ ,” Bilbo moaned. “Please just don’t take my cookie. _Anything_ but my cookie, please! I don’t know what I’d do without it!” he dramatically threw his arm over his face and leaned over the back of the bench.

He didn’t hear any response from the boy after a moment, so he sat back up. The boy had moved from standing in front of him to sitting next to him, and he was now happily biting, snapping and crunching on Bilbo’s baby carrots.

Bilbo looked down at him in amusement, and the little boy watched him back passively.

“Well, alright then. The carrots are all yours, buddy,” he told him. He rested his arm on the back of the bench and went back to people watching, now with the added ambience of his new companion munching on carrots.

After a couple of minutes, Bilbo noticed a peculiar sight. Two men, a father and son presumably, were frantically speeding around the food court, looking around and calling out for someone. Fili, Bilbo thought he heard.

The younger of the two was lifting massive stone tables with ease, using only one arm. Bilbo couldn’t make out what the older was doing, just glaring intensely, frantically and in every direction. It was immediately apparent that they two were a couple of _them;_ the mutated refugees that had been suddenly found and rescued out of the blue.

 

 

 

Bilbo remembered reading the papers about it when it happened, just over two years ago. It had all started with a nosy employee who was eavesdropping on his employers. He reported what he heard to the police, who were able to take the information and open up a single missing person’s case. That one missing person’s case turned into two, then three, then five, nine, seventeen, twenty-six… it all snowballed until over fifty missing persons cases were picked up and found to all be linked together. One thing led to another, and soon all the evidence landed on Erebor Inc, a research center.

Back in its heyday, Erebor Inc was the leading corporation for finding cures for notoriously lethal diseases. Decades ago, when Bilbo was a child, the company had begun to fall into a slight slump. The CEO, Thror Durinsen, was begotten with one of the diseases his company was fighting to cure; the most lethal of them all, something they called Gold Sickness. A rare strain of Alzheimer’s, it ran strong in the Durinsen family, and thus it was high on their list to eradicate.

But as time went on, no progress was made and Thror only got worse. So much worse, that he was mad enough to agree to sell the company to rival Smaug Drake.

Not much was known about what happened after that, except that Erebor Inc stopped delivering anything worthwhile. For twenty-five years there was nothing. And then…

Erebor Inc had become a front. Un-noteworthy advances were happening on the surface, but underneath all that were unspeakable horrors. All the workers that had ‘moved on’ after the big sell-out had been held captive, being experimented on for years, and years and years.

Not long after the initial discovery of them, it was found out that all those experiments done on those poor souls had some very odd side effects. Some people were able to lift objects hundreds of thousands of times heavier than themselves. Others could stretch their limbs infinite lengths. The list was endless for what these folks could do. As amazing as it all was, these people had no place to stay, no income, and severe mental anguish. Programs were put in place, but were poorly executed.

The common civilians were distrustful of the sudden new additions to their city. As a result, most were homeless and struggling to survive, even two years on.

A few of those human test subjects were none other than Thror himself and his family; his wife and children and grandchildren. Years prior, his son and heir Thrain had appeared suddenly, frantic, starved and delusional. He babbled on and on of the horrors he and hundreds of others were being submitted to. No one believed him; he had always had a problem with heavy drugs, so everyone had just assumed. He was put away in an institute, where he wasted away.

 

 

Bilbo watched on in curiosity before he came to a sudden realization. He looked down to his bench-mate.

“Fili… is that you? Are you their little one?” he asked kindly. The boy, Fili, stubbornly shook his head.

“Nope. Not my Kili or Thor’n. Don’t know ‘em,”

Bilbo snorted. “Oh really? Come on then, let’s put you back where you belong,” he stood and threw his trash away, then walked back over and picked Fili up.

“Ugh, no,” Fili grumbled. He sighed, exasperated, when he realized he had lost, and let his head fall onto Bilbo’s shoulder. Bilbo carried him over to the two panicking men, and called out to them.

“Excuse me! Yes, excuse me, I think I found your son,”

The men stopped and looked at him. Then they both gave huge sighs of relief, and the older of the two rushed over and yanked Fili from Bilbo’s arms.

“Fili! What were you thinking!” he snapped. Fili ignored him, pouting and looking away. “You have to stop doing this, one of these days we _won’t_ find you and--” his voice choked off and it was clear he was struggling with his thoughts. “You could get hurt, if you keep doing this,” he finally let out. Fili gave the man a biting look that Bilbo had only ever seen in the eyes of weathered men who had seen many storms, and it sent shivers down his spine.

The other male in their company, a young teenager Bilbo could see now, stepped forward and took the small boy into his arms. He tried to pull him close and whisper things into his ear, but Fili wasn’t having it. He struggled and shoved at the young man’s chest until finally he was put down. Instantly Fili ran over to Bilbo and hid behind his legs.

“Excuse me! Don’t you bring me into this! In fact I should be leaving, right now! So you get on back to your father and older brother, young man,” he demanded, trying to shake Fili’s grip.

“No!” Fili shouted. Bilbo had not anticipated how much that had upset the little blond, for in the next moment Fili was biting down on his leg and running off. Like a bullet the younger man chased after him, luckily catching him fairly quickly. He stayed where they were, scolding little Fili but holding him close in his arms.

Bilbo sighed, then cleared his throat awkwardly. It was decided, then.

“Thorin Durinsen,” he said, looking at the older man. The man, Thorin, stared back at Bilbo intensely.

“How do you know my name?” he rumbled.

“Don’t be daft, I recognize your face from the papers. Time has changed your appearance, but overall… “

“I don’t need your pity,” Thorin spat. He began walking away towards his sons.

“I’m not offering pity! I am offering you… and your sons a place to stay. And a job, as well,” Bilbo sharply replied. Thorin stopped in his tracks, but said nothing. “So… so the three of you will come home with me, right now! I will get both you and your older son to work in my grocers shop and your little son can even help too. I will not have a young man and a toddler sleeping on the streets for one more night when I can prevent it!” he ranted.

Thorin did not move nor say a thing for a long moment. Finally:

“They are not my sons. They are my nephews… and Kili is not the oldest,” with his head bowed, Thorin stalked back over to Bilbo and continued quietly, “He is Fili’s younger brother, by five years. The injections Fili received… he just stopped growing; aging. He’s five, mentally… but not, simultaneously. Somewhere in his mind he _knows_ that he should be older. He reads… better than Kili, even. He draws very well and likes to be relied on for some things. He… knows, to an extent,” he lamented, looking up to watch his nephews. Kili had seemed to appease his brother, and was tickling him and laughing with him.

“And Kili?” Bilbo asked.

“You saw, I’m sure. His strength is unbelievable. It’s no trouble, mostly, but sometimes the boy forgets how powerful he really is. I can see through solid objects at will. I have tried to do well by my boys, but… it has proven extremely difficult,” Bilbo watched as Thorin almost visibly aged another thirty years.

Bilbo’s arm shot out and he grabbed Thorin’s arm in a death grip.

“Well from now on, you will not have to worry about that,” he said simply. He looked over to the boys and hollered out to them, “Boys? Let’s go! Time to go home!”


	19. Fili & Kili, The Little Garden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo Baggins reluctantly finds himself in charge of two little pebbles who wind up on his doorstep, completely unaware of the mass of troubles he'd soon be dealing with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another WIP from an age ago... why can't I stop writing about baby F & K? And then being mean to them??? it's my niche, I suppose... I was working on trying to get my 4th of July story finished, which obviously is already disgustingly overdue, but I'm having trouble with it! But THIS: It's supposed to be about Bilbo caring for these two while in the background the rest of the company goes to reclaim Erebor. It's kind of hard to explain... but let me know if you're interested in more :) 
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> (and if you're up to listening to me struggle with this 4th of july fic on Skype lmao, seriously someone help please oh god)

Bilbo stood in his kitchen, scrubbing at the dirty dishes. He looked up and out the window, smiling at how nice a day it was. It had been a long week of rain, and it was such a reprieve to see the clear skies again. Bilbo started when he heard a very light rapping on his front door. Quickly finishing up the dish he was working on, he pulled his hands out of the water, flicked them and then grabbed a dish towel and dried his hands. He walked the short distance from his small kitchen to the entrance, swinging the door wide open.

“Oh, I’m glad you’re here, I wasn’t expecting the package until later, but--”

Bilbo stopped speaking and let his gaze slide nearly to the floor. Standing on his doorstep were two small children, little dwarf ragamuffins. The taller one of the two in an olive tunic had unruly blond curls pulled into a small and messy bun and had an absolute vice-like grip on the smaller boy’s ear. The little brunet, in his teal parka, clearly at least a year or two younger, was scrunching his face up in pain. He and his blond companion were dressed in ill-fitting clothing, and were scuffed up and dirty.

“Can I… help you?” Bilbo asked the pair. The blond nodded and stepped forward.

“G-Good morning, sir. My name is Fi-- mm, F-Farin, and this is my little brother Kael. We were walking by and we noticed that you have a very nice looking garden,” Farin nervously rubbed a free, sweaty hand on the side of the tunic. “And we knew to do the  _ right _ thing…” the smaller boy received a very stern look, and suddenly the tight grip on his ear was fully explained. “But we were wondering, could we maybe have a couple of your veggies?”

Bilbo stared down at them and their overly large clothing, and their gaunt faces and their little red noses and proceeded without a second’s hesitation.

Twenty minutes later, Bilbo was back to his dishes, humming quietly to himself as he dried them all off and set them to the side. Behind him were the two little children, snacking away at a platter of cocktail sandwiches and large glasses of milk. Farin’s legs swung back and forth merrily while Kael grinned from ear to ear, laughing heartily and trying to talk with his mouth and cheeks bulging. Farin kept having to remind him to not do that, and that it was ‘super gross, so stop it!’

Kael’s odd looking flap-hat had made its way onto his sibling’s thick head of hair, and now his own stringy and greasy locks were sticking in every direction. He kept having to reach up and yank some of if out of his mouth while chewing, but didn’t seem to care much.

He and Farin kept speaking to each other in hushed tones, but Bilbo was amused knowing that they thought he couldn’t hear them.  Well, he couldn’t completely, but he could certainly hear well enough their real names (Fili and Kili-- it was obvious when Fili introduced them that he was lying, but Bilbo knew better than to call them out on it, it’d just scare them away), among other things. 

_ “Fee, do you think he’s got cupcakes too?” _

_ “I don’t know, but it’d be rude to ask! Remember your manners! And don’t call me Fili here!” _

Kili whined and threw his hands on his head, and dragged them down the sides dramatically, his face contorting in the process.

_ “But Fee-! He’s gotta have at least cookies, he’s nice! And nice people have--” _

_ “Kili no! I-I mean, Kael! No! We have to go! _

Bilbo turned to them once the quiet chatter stopped, and found Farin standing before him, Kael sitting anxiously back at the table.

“Mr. Bilbo, sir. Me and my brother have to go now, but we wanted to thank you for the food. It’s a lot more than anyone’s ever done for us,”

“Thank you thank you thank you!” Kael piped up, leaping up from his seat and hurling himself to Farin’s side. He bowed overdramatically, clinging to Farin’s arm. Bilbo crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow as Farin continued.

“... But we have to go now. We have to find somebody. Thank you, again, for everything.” Farin grabbed Kael’s hand and began leading them to the front door, but Bilbo quickly intercepted them, stepping in front of them.

“Where is it you two think you’re going?” he asked.

“Um, I just told you. We have to go--”

“Yes, I heard you all right, but where to?”

Farin shifted uncomfortably. “W-Well, I don’t know, exactly. But we have to go find--”   
“Little Farin, you have found somebody. You’ve found me, Bilbo Baggins! And if you think I’m going to let you both just  _ leave, _ then--”

“But what if Uncle comes back and we’re not there! He told us to wait, we always have to wait for him to come back for us! We just came here ‘cause he didn’t come back when he said he would and we were hungry, and, and we have to go find him! He might be in trouble!” Kael wailed, tears pouring down his cheeks.

Farin immediately pulled him into a tight embrace, and Kael sobbed into his chest. Bilbo sighed, and sat down onto his knees, pulling them both into his arms.

“Look,” he said, “you’re both very, very young, and it’s very, very dangerous out there on the street. I really don’t feel good about letting you go back out there, especially if your guardian is nowhere to be found. Even if you did know where he was, I still wouldn’t want you two out there on the street. It’s not right. I’ll help you look for your uncle, just please consider staying with me while that happens.”

In a heartbeat Farin answered him. “We can take care of ourselves fine,” he groused.

Kael looked up at his brother, devastated. _ ”Fee…”  _ he whispered pleadingly,  _ ”It’s warm in here though,” _ he sniffled. Farin wasn’t budging though.

“Kael, we have to find Uncle!”

“If you two stay with me, I will make you the biggest batch of cupcakes you’ve ever seen, I’ll bundle you up in fresh clothes that  _ fit _ , and some nice warm blankets. And, I’ll allow you to spend the day warming up in front of some cartoons. How does that sound?”

Kael looked excited, but baffled. “What’s cartoons?” he asked, looking back to his sibling.

The question made Bilbo feel how Farin looked: completely miserable and guilty. “It’s… they’re funny,” was all Farin could say.

“Oh, I like to laugh!” Kael grinned, jumping up and down. His eyes had dried completely and it seemed he had completely forgotten his woes for the time being. “Fili can we please stay?  _ Please? _ ”

Faren sighed. “Okay,” he said finally, making Kael cheer. “And my name’s not Fili! It’s Faren, you nut!” he lightly bopped Kael on the head, but Bilbo knew better and rolled his eyes.

“I’m glad you’ve decided to stay. Not that you had much choice, because either way-- well, what I mean to say is, you two very desperately need a bath.”

Kael let out a horrified yelp. “What! No, let’s go Fili we don’t need no stinkin’ bath!” he grasped Farin’s hand and began leading him away. Farin laughed and stopped him from continuing any further.

“No, Munchkin, it’s too late, you already said you wanted to stay so now we have to stay and take baths! Then we’ll get to eat cookies!” he teased, Kael pouting and getting ready to throw a tantrum.

“We get to have cookies if we bath?” Kael asked warily. Bilbo nodded.

“Of course! In fact, you two getting clean will give me time to make them! Let me just show you where the bathroom is, and I’ll see if I can find my nephew’s spare clothing for you two.” He lead them down a hall and to a large bathroom.

The children stared in awe. The bathtub took up one huge corner of the room, and there were a great many soaps and shampoos and bath salts. Bilbo didn’t notice, he had immediately begun digging around in the cabinet under the sink, looking for bubble bath.

“Here we go,” he mumbled, pulling out a half-full bottle. He placed it on the edge of the tub and sat there, turning on the faucets. “Farin I expect that you’ll help clean your brother up?”

Farin nodded. “Good, I’ll go looking for those clothes real quick, and start on those cookies,” Bilbo pulled a couple of towels out of another cupboard and placed them on the toilet seat nearby. “I’ll put these here and come check on you both in a little while,”

 

 

 

 

Bilbo stood back up, closing the oven door. He wiped his hands on his apron and checked the wall clock. It had been half an hour, and he figured now’d be a good time to check on the boys. He walked down to the bathroom and raised his fist to knock on the door, but paused. He couldn’t hear anything, and was shocked when an instant later the door swung open and revealed Farin wrapped up in a towel burrito. A bit behind Farin was Kael, whose hair and nose were the only visible features from the towel.

“Oh, you’re done! I hope you two enjoyed your bath,” he said kindly. Farin nodded, but Kael remained pouting. 

“Yes, it was nice, thank you!”    
Bilbo watched as Farin’s newly unleashed arms from the towel cocoon attacked Kael’s hair with another towel, making sure he was nice and dry.

“Great! Well, like I said, I have clothes for you! But I lied slightly, I apologize. They’re not brand new, and they may or may not fit you perfectly. They belong to my nephew and I’m sure he won’t mind if you borrow his things, since he’s not here too often anyway,”

He led them out of the bathroom and into another small room down at the end of the hall. The walls were painted to look like an open field, with a bright blue sky dotted with clouds and sunflowers. Kili immediately ran over to the bed in the corner, hopping up on it and bouncing slightly. He stared intently at any toys that lay about. Farin stood by, watching Bilbo as he went over to a large oak dresser and opened it wide. From somewhere in the home the shrill beeping of the oven sounded out.

“Here you go, you two. Plenty of clothes to go through. Have at it, you can wear whatever you like! I’ll be back in the kitchen, so when you’re done just go ahead and meet me out there if you want. You don’t have to, though! Frodo’s toys are all yours too!” he told them, waving his hand towards the toy chest against the far wall.

“Okay okay thank you!” Kael yelled, flying off the bed and his towel in one great leap and sprinting over to the box. Bilbo saw Farin’s eyes roll, and he himself snorted before turning and walking out of the room, listening to Farin chastise Kael. 

Ten minutes later and Bilbo had scraped all the cookies off the pan and onto a cooling rack. As he scrubbed at the burnt on bits of cookie from the baking sheet, he heard the bar chairs drag across the tile and the children scramble up to sit at them. He dried off his hands and grabbed the plate of cookies that rested on the stove, keeping them warm, and turned to place them on the island. He froze minutely in shock as he turned, both confused and surprised to see Farin wearing a dainty pink dress.

It fit Farin quite well and Bilbo was surprised at how flattering it was, with his thick blonde hair spilling over his shoulders and framing his face nicely. Questions bounced around his head as he gently placed the plate of cookies before them.  _ Where did that dress come from? It certainly wasn’t Frodo’s. Maybe it belonged to another cousin? _

“Farin, why are you wearing a dress?” he finally asked. Kael gasped and Farin’s face, still staring down at the plate of cookies, turned a bright shade of pink.

“You said we could wear anything… I’ll go take it off.” Farin mumbled, and immediately began climbing out of the tall stool.

“Oh, no! Don’t go change! You’re right, you can wear anything you want. It’s just… a bit odd for a little boy to be wearing a dress. Those are typically meant for little girls, you see.”

Farin looked appalled, and Bilbo wasn’t sure if it was because he never knew that dresses were for girls or not, which is very questionable. It was apparent though that this observation had upset Farin quite a lot. He hunched his shoulders and hid his face behind his hair in humiliation.

“I just thought it looked nice… I never got to wear one before so I just wanted to try it…” he whispered.

Bilbo felt  _ awful.  _ “Oh dear. You can wear whatever you like, I’m not going to make you change. You do look very nice in this dress. And you, Kael, look very nice too, in my nephew’s shorts and suspenders.”

Kael beamed at the praise for an instant before hugging his sibling. Bilbo grabbed a cookie and munched on it, unsure how to proceed. After his third cookie, he finally had an idea.

“You know what? You two both look so handsome that I think I want to take a picture of you both, out in the garden. We’ll take it on my old Polaroid camera so we won’t have to wait for it to develop.”

That seemed to perk them both up, and Farin reached for another cookie shyly.

“I’ll be right back, I have to find my camera. You two stay put!”

  
  


  
  


Farin and Kael stood directly next to each other in front of Bilbo’s young apple tree, holding each others hand tightly. Bilbo stood several feet away, aiming his Polaroid at the smiling pair. He snapped the picture and grabbed it as it printed out, waving it in the air to speed up the process. The children ran over eagerly to look at it. 

Bilbo handed it to Kael so he could take over wildly shaking it and turned away to place the camera onto his small table near the door. Right as he set it down, he felt a light tugging at his vest. It was Farin, staring up at him sheepishly.

“Hello, little one,” he greeted.

“Um… thank you. For everything.” Farin nodded.

Bilbo was taken aback. “Well of course, I’m not as coldhearted as people seem to think--”

“A-and my name isn’t Farin. It’s Fili. I’m Fili and my brother is Kili. Sorry we lied…”

Bilbo bit his tongue to stop himself from saying, ‘yes, I know already!’. 

“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me,” he said instead, smiling. Fili nodded, then looked over as Kili ran over to them.

“Waaaait, Biblooo!” he shouted, only pausing to catch his breath. “I want another pikcha! So I can have one ‘n Fili can have one!!”

“Well then, go line back up in front of the tree and we’ll take another one, then!”

The siblings ran back to the tree and Bilbo took another, much sillier picture of them.


	20. Fili/Kili, Let's Build a Zoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I see I won't be working on the next part of last chapter anytime soon, then :P  
> If this one seems a little bit off, that's because it was an incredibly vivid dream I had of the boys yesterday morning. I left out the weirdest, most improbable part of it, but things are still a little... ヽ(。_°)ノ

The boys waved goodbye to Legolas as he pulled away in his pickup truck, both standing with an arm wrapped around each other’s waist. When the truck disappeared around the corner, Kili pulled his brand new husband into a passionate kiss, only breaking apart when Gimli cleared his throat from behind them.

“Alright, that’s enough of that. Get your butts over by the sign so we can take a picture,” he told them, Bard next to him holding up a Polaroid camera.  Obediently, Fili and Kili headed over to stand in front of the real estate sign hammered down into their lawn. They grabbed the ‘SOLD’ metal plate and stood in front of the sign, grinning at the camera.

“Okay let’s get the rest of these boxes inside before that storm hits. That thing is looking ominous,” Fili gestured to the dark clouds inching closer and closer. With the help of Gimli, Eomer, Aragorn and Bard, they carried in the remaining boxes to their empty mid-century modern home. It was not a moment too soon. The storm started almost immediately after Bard closed the door behind him with his foot. Torrential rain, thunder, lightning. It was almost a hurricane.

All the boys sat on boxes and ate cheap ramen noodles by candlelight. As soon as it started, the storm had passed. After placing all their dirty bowls into the sink, the group decided to take a photo together; the newlyweds stood up in front to take the photo together, while the rest of the gang stood behind them a ways. Not long after, the sun began its descent from the sky. Fili and Kili walked their friends to the door, only for each and every one of them to stop in their tracks, horrified. Through the front window, they could see that there, on the front lawn was a great white shark. It was smaller than average, but there it was, writhing around frantically on the yellow-green grass and trying to make its way back home.

“It must have been thrown here by the storm!” Eomer concluded.

“What do we do??” gasped Gimli.

“We could just put it out back in the pool,” Aragorn suggested.

“No way! The pool is chlorinated, it will die!” Fili demanded.

Kili lightly nudged Fili on the arm. “The pool has salt water, not regular!” he reminded.

“What! Why did you tell me this before!” Fili snapped. “Let’s go get Mr. Snappy!” he yelled, charging out the front door with Kili and Aragorn in tow. The three of them picked the shark up by its fins and struggled to rush the behemoth to the large pool in the back. It was thrashing wildly while they hurried, complicating things tenfold, but luckily there were no accidents on the way.

After heaving the creature into the pool, everyone stood around it, watching.

“Well what should we do with it?” someone asked.

“I’m not sure… oh! We should let people come pay to see him! We could open a zoo,” Kili declared, a huge grin stretched across his face.

“Oh, that’s a fantastic idea!” Fili nodded.

Within the next week, everything was set up. With the help of a sandwich board, Fili and Kili regularly welcomed visitors into their home and their backyard to see Kili’s exotic lizards and Zippy the great white shark (Fili decided to rename him to something slightly less bizarre). Two months on and business was booming for the couple.

They sat together in rickety lawn chairs with their guests, sharing snacks and drinks while they watched Zippy. But then Maudette Magdaline began rearing her ugly head. She always stood by with her perfect white bob, and thick, round, black-framed glasses. She would tut and make snide comments about the boys’ zoo. She was a blemish on their little spot of happiness. But it was no problem for Kili, who knew exactly how to handle her.

“This can’t be legal! I’ll have you shut down!!”

“Those shoes with that outfit can’t be legal either; damn, girl!”

“This is despicable! Hooligans, all of you!”

“Not as despicable as the amount of free time you apparently have,”

“I’ll have you arrested!”

“Lady, we’ve asked you to leave. I can have you arrested for trespassing,”

 

Their zoo remained popular. One day, months later, Aragorn crashed through the thick foliage surrounding their yard.

“There’s salmon! There’s salmon in the river!” he announced excitedly, pointing back through the trees.

“Oh!” Fili smiled, “We can use the salmon to feed our guests,” he said dreamily, imagining all their visitors enjoying plates of grilled salmon with lemon slices and sautéed asparagus.

 

Later in the evening, Fili and Kili stood outside embracing each other, staring lovingly into each other’s eyes. In  no time at all they were passionately kissing, showing just how much they loved each other. This went on for several long minutes. Kili smiled against Fili’s lips, then tipped them over, landing them into Zippy’s home.

Not letting go of one another, they floated in bliss in the water. Fili felt Zippy’s sandpaper skin swipe across the bottom of his foot, pulling him from their stupor.

“We should go inside… Zippy is getting a bit too personal,” he chuckled.

“Eventually. Are you really too lazy for me tonight?” Fili asked, pouting. Kili pulled him closer and pecked him on the lips.

“Never!” he declared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost changed Zippy to a tiger shark because logic (great whites are extremely difficult to keep alive in captivity) but then I realized... there's no logic here to begin with, so...


	21. Britchell, Pre-relationship

Mitchell watched as a small group of men entered the bar together. He realized that they must be here for the ‘family meeting’ that had been summoned, and that Mike had mentioned to him. It was clear that Mike still wasn’t used to the idea of hiring a helping hand at the bar, constantly bumping into him while they went to do the same thing and tripping over him. But Mitchell could tell the extra set of hands was well needed.

Earlier, Mike had said to him in a low voice that his troupe of brothers and a cousin would be coming in for a brief meeting, and that they would all upstairs and talk amongst themselves. Mitchell was instructed _not_ to pry and to keep people from going up after them. The group headed straight towards Mitchell for drinks, but he already had another customer to serve so he turned away for just a moment.

“Holy shit, Mike, who is _that!_ ” he heard one man exclaim, shock and jubilation evident in his tone. Mitchell glanced over his shoulder to see who the voice belonged to. It was the attractive blond from the group of brothers, and he was leering right at Mitchell. Well, more like Mitchell’s ass. But Mitchell saw the jump of his eyes from his ass to his face, and the way his demeanor went from lecherous to awestruck.

That didn’t stop the man however from reaching over the counter to grab his own beer. As Mitchell finally served the earlier customer his drink, he swatted away the blond man’s hand.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Mitchell asked him, frowning.  The man rolled his eyes and brushed Mitchell off, grabbing a beer anyway.

“I think you should be more worried about that, Spud,” he pointed over to Mitchell’s left, where Mitchell found an absolute giant of a teenager and an awkward looking thing that Mitchell could only think of as a sack of potatoes, standing nearby and helping themselves to drinks.

“Oi!” Mitchell snapped, grabbing a rag, twisting it up and snapping it at the pair. They yelped and leaped back to lick their wounds. The blond man cackled and teased them, rolling his eyes when they both stuck their tongue out at him.

Mike appeared and grabbed his own beer, then turned to his brothers. “All right, everyone upstairs, there’s been a development and we need to discuss it,” he announced. He and Mitchell watched as the bald one, the pale one (who could’ve passed for a fellow creature of the night) and the odd couple began their ascent up the stairs.

Mike blocked the path for the sad sack of potatoes , then snapped at the blond brother who had stayed behind, “ _Now_ , Anders! You know you can’t come up, Zeb. Off you get,” he told the other straggler.

“But I practically am family!” Zeb whined, turning and moping away to sit at the bar. The blond, Anders, rolled his eyes and pushed himself away from the bar and cast one last glance at Mitchell (and his crotch) before scooting past Mike.

“Why didn’t you tell me you hired a hot piece of ass, Mike? You should know better than to hide an Irish Adonis from me!” Mitchell heard Anders say. He rolled his eyes and went back to work.

 

 

 

Over the course of the next two hours the bar slowed down considerably, until it was only Mitchell, Zeb and a few leftovers remained; though the strangers left once the muffled shouting picked up from upstairs. Mitchell looked up at the ceiling, then to Zeb.

“Is this normal?” he asked. Zeb shrugged and nodded.

“Yeah, they don’t get along very well,” was all he said. Then his face scrunched up, “It’s weird, though, because Axl never used to see his brothers at all, but ever since he turned 21 they’re always dragging him places,”

The yelling quieted down finally, and a few moments later the bald cousin meandered down the stairs, munching on some toast. Less than a minute after that came the rest of them, all of them looking less than thrilled to be in each other’s presence. They all gathered around the bar, grabbing free drinks and attempting to start amicable conversations with one another.

The bald cousin leaned forward on the counter and held out his half eaten toast to Mitchell.

“You want some garlic bread?” he asked. But then his face slackened. “Oh! Oh I’m so sorry, I meant no offence,” he sat up straight and dropped the toast onto the bar, holding up his hands in surrender. “Honest, I had no idea,”

Mitchell stared at him, just as confused as everyone else.

“Olaf, what are you on about now?” the dark and gloomy brother asked.

Olaf gestured to Mitchell. “Vampire,” he replied simply, "I can smell it on him,"

In the next instant, several things happened.

Mitchell hurried backwards and slammed into the back counter, staring at Olaf with wide, horrified eyes. Axl, Zeb, Mike and Dark and Gloomy kept switching from gaping at Mitchell to Olaf several times. Anders merely tilted his head and watched Mitchell.

“Huh!” he said, nodding to himself. This was certainly an interesting change of pace.

“A vampire! What!” Mike hissed, whipping around to glare at Mitchell in confusion. “Vampires don’t exist,” he said simply. Olaf laughed.

“We’re gods! We exist! Gods and giants and dwarves all exist, you know this… so why not vampires? Or werewolves? Ghosts? I’ve run into a few of each throughout my life. This one seems nice, though,” Olaf nodded, smiling at Mitchell.

Mitchell stood pressed against the counter and sink still, looking for a way out. He glanced around, his eyes landing on Anders’ blue irises, and he found that he couldn’t look away.

The eyes crinkled in amusement. “I’ve heard vampires are pretty good at sucking. I’d love to find out –“

“Anders, can you stop thinking with your prick for one--” Mike snapped, turning away from Mitchell.

Olaf waved his hand at Mike. “Mikkel, Mikkel, Mikkel… Didn’t I just say that he seems like a nice bloke? I’m certain that if he and Anders bone, Anders won’t—“

“Anders won’t be his _necks_ victim!” Axl shouted out, proud of himself, “Get it?” he, Zeb and Anders laughed, but no one else seemed to appreciate the joke.

“Son of a bitch, he’s made a runner,” Mike growled, looking out the back door that was wide open.

Anders laughed, “That’s a bit ironic of you to say, isn’t? Do you have his number? Let me have it, I’ll get him to come back,” he smirked.

“Anders, no!”


	22. Birthday Wolf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a birthday gift for my good friend StrayCrab :) she wanted something happy, so it was decided that puppy! Fili would be best. I hope she and everyone reading this enjoy it! It's basically a 3rd part to the werewolf!Fili anthology, chapters 2 & 3

“Y-Your Majesty, m-my goats! They’ve got rats in their pens! And the rats have got fleas! And the fleas have the plague! I can’t make a living if my living is dead! Or if I’m dead!”

Thorin, who was sitting grumpily on his uncomfortable throne holding court, slowly blinked at the peasant before him. His head was rested in his hand, whose elbow was propped on the arm of the throne. Behind the peasant he was seeing now was a long line of several other peasants, going clear out the throne room.

“And what is it you want me to do about this?”

“W-Well Your Majesty, the rats, you see, they come from the sewers… that run directly behind and beneath my farm… perhaps the sewers could be re-routed?”

Thorin stared at him for a long while, then sighed. “100 gold to you so _you_ may relocate. Next!”

“Th-Thank you Your Majesty!” the peasant stammered, trying to bow before he was escorted away from the premises.

A wretched looking old woman stepped up.

“M’Lord!”

“Yes, peasant?”

“Me 17th son, me last son, has died in the war! Now Ah’ve got no one to care for me and no ways ta earns money! Ah ain’t even no longers fit ta spread me legs, M’Lord! ‘Tis the river water, filled with shit and refuse, ‘tis! Made me accoutrements acidic it ‘as! And ahm blind and me knees knobbly!”

“Stop drinking the river water and bathing from it. And stop shitting in it! Drink only alcohol, it’s cleaner than the water. Three weeks and you’ll be in good health. 20 gold to see you through these weeks until you can start working again. Next!”

The old wench hobbled away, grumbling beneath her breath. Another peasant stepped up.

“M’Lord, the river has--”

Thorin held up a hand to stop the man. “How many of you are in here to complain about the state of the river?” he asked loudly. “And only the river?”

The majority of the people in line raised their hands.

“All of you, out. I’ll set up a committee to oversee the restoration to the river,”

All the common folk left, leaving not much remaining. The next dwarf to step up to him was… Prince Kili?

“Kili, what--?”

Little Kili cleared his throat and held up a scrap of parchment paper. He squinted his eyes and held it close, reading slowly, jerkily and loudly from it.

“Uncle! I-I mean, Your Majesty King Uncle! I have a re… reeee-kwessst-- r-request! I have a rrreequest to-ask-of-thee!” He lowered the parchment and made eye contact with Thorin, nodding assuredly.

Thorin sat up and smirked down at the boy. “Alright, dear nephew. What is this request?”

Kili lifted the paper back up to his face. “It has been exactly _one whoooole year_ sense Fili has um, comed to us in our famlee,” he paused to gauge Thorin’s reaction, which was not not an entirely positive one. The amused smirk had slipped from his face and morphed itself into a grimace, and his brows furrowed.

“Go on,” he gestured to the boy.

“Okay, um, aaaand I thinks we should make it today to be his birthday, ‘cause he dun’t know it really.”

They stared at each other for a moment.

“Is that it?” Thorin asked. Kili nodded.

“Yep.”

“So be it. Today shall henceforth be Fili’s birthday. Next!”

Kili didn’t budge, though. “Oh um Uncle wait now I have another,” he announced. Thorin raised an eyebrow.

“If that is the case, young one, then you must wait at the back of the line again,”

Kili became devastated. “What?! But I waited for-EVERRRRR ta get up heeerrrrre,” he whined. Thorin glanced behind Kili. There were only three other people now waiting.

“I’m sure you’ll manage another five to ten minutes, Kili. These folk have been waiting as long as you have, remember,”

Kili groaned loudly, but went to the back of the line anyway, stomping as loudly as he could the entire short distance. He huffed and puffed the whole time it took for Thorin to deal with the others, but in no time at all he was back at the front, where he promptly perked up. He scrunched up his face and held up his paper to his face again.

“Your Majesty King Sir! I have a--”

“Get on with it, Kili,”

“Okay. Uncle it has been _one whooooole year_ sense Fili has comed to us in our famlee, and today is his birthday,” he nodded. Thorin rolled his eyes and gestured for him to continue. “I re-quest that today we can throws him a feast and get him presents and have lots of fun like skipping lessons -- if he had them, that’d be fun; to skip them. I should go too,”

“You’ve already missed most of your lessons just standing in line all day, I’m sure,” Thorin mentioned.

“He says’d to me that he likes to hunt, can we takes him hunting? He can get us our dinner!”

Thorin pursed his lips. “... Only if you have Dwalin there with you to ensure your safety,”

Kili gasped and lit up like a firebug. “Oh thank you Uncle!!” he threw his paper on the ground and charged forward, leaping onto the king. “Fili will be soooo happy! He hasn’t been outside in forever, he’s getting sooo restless! He keeps running around my room and breaking things on accident… so thank you thank you thank you Uncle!!”

Thorin grunted at the impact, but grinned and hugged his nephew back. “Well, anything for you…Go tell your mother, now,”

“Yep yep yep!” Kili hopped off Thorin and sprinted away.

“Next peasant, please!” Thorin called out. An old farmer stepped forward.

“M’Lord! The lady of the lake! That _watery tart_ has turned my _knees_ into _newts!_ And all me goats’ knees! And me wife and ‘er twenty toes! Newts! All of ‘em!”

“Well what do you propose I do about _that_ ?? What did you _do_ to make her do that??”

  
  


**_Elsewhere_ **

  


Dis placed her cup back on its saucer and sighed contentedly. Warm spiced ale was her favorite drink this time of year. She was sat at a small table out on a terrace in the mountain, enjoying her alone time. After hours of advisers and lords and ladies pestering her all day over mundane things, it was nice to finally get away from all the annoying distractions.

“Amad,”

Dis’ eyes snapped open and her mood dampened.

“Yes, Kili?”

The boy was stood across from her, only the top half of his face visible from behind the table.

“I need a cake,”

“... A cake?”

“Uh-huh!”

“Why?”

“It's fer Fili. Today is his birthday! He needsa cake,”

“I see. You didn’t first go to the cook for this cake?”

“Nuh-uh, I di’n’t wanna gets in trouble fer not askin’ you first,” Kili told her matter-of-factly. She snorted.

“Good boy,”

“Uh-huh! We’re gonna go _hunting_ with Dwalin, and we’ll eat what Fili catches, and we’ll have cake and presents!! It’ll be sooo fun!”

“Oh really? Does your uncle know about this hunting trip? And everything else?”

Kili nodded. “Yes! I went and stood aaaaaall day in line at court ta ask him! It was _awful!_ But I want Fili to have a good day today. It’s his birthday!”

“Did Fili tell you today is his birthday?” Dis asked him.

“Nuh-uh, he doesn’t know it. But I knows that today is the day we got him! A whoooole year ago, exactly today! So I askeded Uncle if today could be Fili’s birthday,”

Dis was touched by her son’s kindness. “Oh, how dear of you. He will really appreciate the gesture! I will even go tell Cook to prepare the cake for you, so you can go hunting now,”

Kili gasped in excitement. “Okay, thank you amad!” he ran over next to his mother, hopping and making kissy faces at her. She giggled and leaned over, planting his face with several light kisses until he was giggling madly.

“Okay I have to go get Fili Amad!” he pushed her face away and zipped back into the mountain.

 

 

Fili was found scrubbing the floor down a hallway with a bucket of soapy water and a brush. Even if he was technically part of the family, his role was really that of a personal servant to Kili. When Kili was busy or didn’t need anything from Fili, Fili was sent to do chores around the mountain. It wasn’t something he minded, since it kept him active and no one was too mean to him.

“FiliFiliFiliFiliFiliFili!”

The little blond looked up from what he was doing just in time for Kili to slide right into his bucket of water, knocking it over and spilling its contents all over.

“Aww, Kili…” he whined.

“It’s okay Fili! You don’t gotta do this anymore today! We’re gonna go have fun! Come on come on come oooon!!”

Kili yanked Fili to his feet and dragged him off to the barracks, where he knew they would find Dwalin.

“What are we gonna do?” Fili frantically asked, but he never got an answer.

 

 

Fili was in pure euphoria as he was lead out to the clearing that lay between the mountain and the forest. The air was crisp that gave everyone a burst of energy. Fili listened intently to the animals lurking around, unsure which one would be best to chase after… if he were allowed.

“Why are we out here?” he asked again, trailing closely next to Dwalin, who held both his and Kili’s hands as they trekked ever closer to the forest.

“We’re going hunting today, kiddo!”

Fili gasped. “Hunting!” he looked up at Dwalin. “Us?! Does that mean I get to go too?!”

Dwalin grinned. “It’ll just be you, lad! You’ll be catching us dinner tonight,”

“Really!? When?? Now?? Can I go now? There’s a lot of deer in there, I can hear them! I can smell them!!” the boy was working himself up, hopping along excitedly. His head was swivelling around in every direction, his few little braids whipping him in the face. “And look my teeth are sharp already look, look! I’m ready to go, can I go?!” he stretched open his mouth as wide as he could, showing off his razor sharp teeth and claws.

Dwalin laughed and Kili beamed, thrilled that his best friend was happy with his idea. “Yes, go on. Kili and I will wait here, practicing his combat skills,”

“Oh!” Kili gasped, surprised. He hadn’t expected that! “Yes I wanna do that! Let’s do that now! Fili you can go-- oh he’s gone already,”

Fili was indeed nowhere in sight, but it was clear where he had gone when a handful of deer scurried out of the woods wildly.

Dwalin nudged Kili over to where he set up a target on a tree and handed him a training bow.

“Show me your stance,”

 

 

An hour later, poor Kili was pooped. He was laying flat on his back, dirty and sweaty and panting. Dwalin was sitting nearby on a tree stump, whittling. A tug on his tunic caught his attention and he looked down, only to be startled by a short, bloody, muddy and scratched up Fili.

“Oi! Make some noise when you walk up behind me, will you? How’d it go?”

Fili smiled grinned. “I got some bunnies, two badgers and a big deer! I can’t carry them all though. I can lead you to them!” he pointed back towards the forest.

“Sounds good, kiddo,” Dwalin nodded. He looked down at Kili, who seemed to be falling asleep. “Hey, you, get up. You’ll need to carry the rabbits,” he said, toeing at the boy. Kili groaned but rolled over onto his stomach before slowly climbing to his feet.

They all carried Fili’s impressive bounty back to the mountain and dropped it all off in the kitchens.

“Fili, Fili! Didya have fun?” Kili asked him.

“Yes!! It was great! I hope I get to go again soon,” Fili said, pulling a twig out of his hair.

“Yay! I’m happy,” Kili hugged his friend, not caring if he got covered in more dirt. “You should go take a bath! You like hot baths and getting all warm and moist and steamy,” he strongly suggested.

“Oh that sounds nice, but I don’t think I can get hot water in my chambers…” Fili frowned.

“Use mine! Get Amad to help!” Kili practically shoved him out of the kitchen, then turned on the cook.

“Cookie, Cookie! I needya to do somethin’ special please! Please please please!”

 

 

When Fili emerged from Kili’s bath chambers squeaky clean, Kili was on the bedroom floor playing with some toys. He looked up when Fili walked in.

“Fili! You’re clean! Now what do you want to do?”

“Uh… chores?”

“No! Anything you want! What do you _want_ to do?”

“But what about the chores?”

“Filiiiii, forget about the chores today! Let’s play with my toys!”

“Um, okay. Let me get dressed first! I don’t want to be naked…”

Kili gaped at him. “Why? Being naked is fun! And you gets naked when you are a puppy!”

Fili blushed. “I just don’t like it, it’s weird,” he grumbled.

“Oh… you can wear some of my clothes!”

Fili giggled, “Your clothes are too small! They won’t fit!”

“Hmm… I can get servants to bring you clothes! Stay here and play, I’ll be back!” Kili jumped to his feet and scurried out of the room. Fili meanwhile made himself comfortable on the ground and began playing with Kili’s toys until he returned ten minutes later.

He ran in and threw Fili’s clean clothes at him, hitting him directly in the face. Fili sputtered and pulled his underthings off his head.

“Thank you Kili, I will go get dressed,”

 

 

“Okay, what do you want to do now?!” Kili shouted once Fili was presentable.

“Um… what do you want to do?”

“I want to do what _you_ want to do!”

Fili whined, “But Kili… why? What is going on today? Why can’t we just do what you want to do?”

Kili looked liked he would explode. “I can’t teeelll youuuu yet! Not yet! You’ll see!”

“Oh…” Fili grimaced, suddenly much more nervous than he was five seconds ago. “I still don’t know what to do… sorry,” he shrugged.

Kili huffed. “Okay ummm, what’s your favorite thing to do?”

“Oh, I like it when I’m with Kili,” Fili smiled and nodded. Kili giggled, feeling warm and fuzzy inside.

“And I like it when I’m with Fili! But besides that!”

Fili frowned again. “Um… I like to run? And sleep. Those are my favorites!” he finally decided.

“Okay! We already went running today when we went hunting… do you wanna take a nap?”

Fili nodded bashfully. “Yes, I’m kind of sleepy…”

“Okay! Let’s take a nap in my bed!” Kili grabbed Fili’s hand and dragged him over to his bed, pushing the blond up onto it before climbing up himself. “Oh! Wait! I forgot, I have to do something important,”

“Oh, what is it? I can go do it,” Fili began to jump off the bed.

“No! You need to take a nap, you’re sleepy remember? Go to sleep!” Kili shoved Fili onto his back and grabbed a pillow, pushing it on top of Fili’s face. “Sleeeeeep! I’ll be back in a little while!”

  


“Amad! Amaaaad! We need to go see Mistah Bofur! And we need to go to the market!!” Kili bellowed as he ran down the halls to his mother’s room.

He burst in, looking around for her. She wasn’t there, so he had to run over to the terrace she liked to inhabit, shouting the same thing even louder. She wasn’t there either! He ran to two other locations until he finally found Dis in the kitchen of all places, overseeing the feast plans for the evening (Kili had only come to the kitchens to grab a snack; all that running and shouting had really emptied his stomach!)

She turned to look down at him and placed her hands on her hips. “What’s this I hear about you running amok in the mountain?” she sternly asked.

“I was lookin’ for you, Amad! We have to go see Mistah Bofur, _right now_ ,”

Dis snorted. “Oh really? And is this for Fili too?”

“Yes! We gotta go _now_ , Fili is napping now! And I needsta get him a present,”

Dis rolled her eyes. “Well, I suppose, then, that if it’s for Fili, we had better go now,”

“Yes!! Now!!” Kili yelped.

“But we won’t be going _anywhere_ until you put some pants on!”

  


 

Fili woke up some hours later feeling plenty refreshed. Seeing that Kili still had not returned, he slid from the bed and puttered over to the toys scattered around on the floor, beginning the well-known task of putting them away. A loud knock on the door caught his attention, and he quickly answered it. It was another servant, one he didn’t know too well.

“Young master, your presence has been requested in the private dining hall,”

Confused, Fili nodded and followed behind the other dwarf.

Thorin, Kili, Dis and Tali were all sitting at a small dining table, waiting for Fili to arrive. He was ushered to the empty seat next to Kili, who was bubbling with excitement.

“Didya sleep good? We’re eating the deer you got!!” he crowed, shaking Fili by the shoulders. Fili smiled bashfully, still not quite sure what was going on.

“Why am I sitting here tonight? Shouldn’t I be eating with the rest of--”

“Nooo! Tonight you’s eating with us!” Kili said. He leaned in to whisper in Fili’s ear, “And maybe forever!”

“But why? King Thorin doesn’t like me… he won’t let me forever! I don’t belong here,”

Kili groaned. “Today is the one year annuh-- annin-- annuh-ver-suh-ree that you came to live here with us. I asked to make today your birthday… so today is your birthday!”

Fili was ready to reply with another confused question, but was interrupted by dinner being brought out and placed upon the table.

“Oh, this smells quite nice!” Dis commented.

“Indeed, it’s a good catch. Who killed it?” Thorin asked.

“Fili! Fili did, all by himself, uncle! We went out hunting today with Dwalin, and Fili got loooooots of animals!” Kili cheered.

“Did he? … Good job, Fili,”

“You’re welcome, M’Lord,” Fili blushed.

“Oh but, guess what! Guess what, Fili!” Kili tugged on Fili’s sleeve.

“What?”

“Ohhhh you’ll see! There it is!”

A plate was placed in front of Fili; it was a big hunk of raw venison. Fili gasped.

“Oh! I really like it raw…”

“I knoooow! I asked Cookie to leave some of it raw for you!” Kili beamed.

“Thank you, Kili!”

After the main course was finished, dessert was brought out. Both Fili and Kili gasped in awe at the sight of a massive, three-tiered chocolate-iced cake put down in the center of the table. A slice was procured on a fresh plate in front of Fili, and again the two boys gasped loudly.

“It’s _blue!!_ ” they shouted in sync.

Dis laughed. “Yes, we thought you’d like that,” she said.

“It’s awesome!!”

Everyone enjoyed their own slices of blue birthday cake, then the boys were sent off to play in Kili’s room.

 

 

 

“Fili, Fili, wait I got you something!”

“Huh? What? I didn’t get anything for you…”

“You weren’t supposed to! This is your birthday present, from me! To you!”

Kili dove underneath his bed and pulled out a small box. He rushed back to Fili and pushed it into his chest. “Open it!” he demanded.

Fili reached in and pulled out two figurines; both wolves, and a set of hair beads.

“Oh! These are so nice… Are you sure I--?”

“Yeeess! Yesyesyes! Let me put in the beads! Turn around,” Kili grabbed the set of beads and forced Fili to face away from him so he could get to work. "I'll ask Uncle laters so you can sit and eat with us forever, 'k?"

When he was done, Fili turned back around and gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you, Kili,” he smiled. “Today was so nice! It means a lot to me… I’ll remember it forever!”

Kili grinned and returned the hug. “Of course! You are my best friend… you deserve everything!! Happy birthday, Fee!”


	23. Britchell, Pre-Relationship Retail

The next customer in line walked up to stand across from Mitchell. He was a regular, this much Mitchell knew, but not one he had encountered often; Mitchell was usually scheduled as a mid, and this guy always seemed to pop in right as he was leaving later in the evening. But today, Mitchell was the closing cashier, and the well dressed, attractive blond man was checking out in his lane. Not that there was anywhere else to check out. Customer service had closed an hour ago and the other cashier thirty minutes after that.

Mitchell gave the man his usual round of monotonous greetings.

“Hello, how are you. Did you find everything you were looking for,”

The man raised one eyebrow. “No need to get too excited to see me,” he said. Mitchell ignored him and continued ringing up the man’s purchase, which was mostly vodka.

“Oh and don’t forget my succulents,” the man said, pointing to his little grocery cart that was sitting behind Mitchell.

“Yeah I got it,” Mitchell replied. He pivoted around to search for the aforementioned vegetation, then grabbed his hand scanner when he saw it was actually a cardboard box filled with several mini cacti in plastic containers. 

He bent over the cart and grabbed one carefully, scanning it before placing it back in its box. Unfortunately he did not finish this task unscathed, and a drop of blood appeared on the tip of his finger where he pricked it on a needle. He unconsciously stuck the finger in his mouth when he heard the man behind him laugh shortly. Mitchell spun back around in confusion.

“Huh?”

The customer’s eyes flicked down to Mitchell’s finger, then smirked.

“The screen; I agree quite a lot,” he smiled and winked.

Mitchell looked over to the price screen.

  


 

“Uh…”

  
The man reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a business card. He leaned over onto the tiny table useful for writing cheques and held it out to Mitchell. The next thing he said to the weary cashier was very odd; it was light and hazy, and almost hard to comprehend.

“Here’s my card. Call me when you get off, and we can get try out some of these drinks together in my flat,”

Mitchell stared at him, then the card. According to the slip of card stock he was Anders Johnson PR. Raising an eyebrow he looked back at his little computer and input some codes. The last one took off 10% off Anders’ final total.

“Is that a hint of things to come?” Anders purred.

Mitchell blinked. “It’s your senior discount, sir. Your total is--” he cut himself off in an attempt to keep himself from laughing at the look of horror and betrayal on Anders’ face.

“Get your eyes checked!” Anders snapped. He flicked his card at Mitchell, then pulled out his debit card and paid. “Don’t bother with the receipt. Call me when you’re ready to see what higher living is like,” 

He grabbed his small cart and left. Mitchell laughed through his nose. He picked up the card and looked it over. What a smarmy asshole. But… he was good looking. And he was obviously well off. Mitchell definitely enjoyed a bloody steak every now and then, and if it was being paid for by some kind of sugar daddy… maybe he’d call Anders up one day when he was bored. Mitchell placed the card in his back pocket, then began counting his till. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Saw the pic for the millionth time, but this time I got an idea. Also, Anders is a cacti enthusiast! I noticed he has some in his house in the background :D


End file.
